Who ordered the Calamari with cheese?

   

 

Octaman

                                                          Director: Harry Essex 1971

In a little Mexican village radiation is poisoning the water and American scientist Dr. Torres is there trying to solve the mysteries of the deep, or at least the lake.  Mysteries like why does his voice not match his lips, why is it so dark all the time and why does a plastic octopus have human eyes?  

This plastic octopus gets Torres excited but when he whips back over the border to get more funding he finds the scientific community want nothing to do with him so he’s forced to accept the backing of a carnival owner who is hoping to bag himself a freak for the carny. Carny brings his buddy Bert Reynolds Jr along for the ride too. By the time they get back over the border to Mexico all the doc finds though is his friend’s corpse and an empty bucket.  The plastic octopus is gone!  A couple of leftover Spaghetti Western actors then wander on set and tell the tale of Octaman, a many armed, tentacle legged half man/half beast who, after the doc shares a brief dialogue about pollution, turns up to take out a couple of the locals. No more western movies for those guys. Luckily the good looking one survives so he can continue to help the gringos out. Good thing too cos it turns out Octaman has his eye(s) on the doctor’s gal and attacks the camp while the doc, the carny and Bert are out on the lake looking for him. (now there’s an episode of River monsters I’d like to see!) Occy gets the gal but the doc and Bert discombobulate him with lights (too many eyes you see) and then form a ring of fire to burn up the oxygen around him!  An ankle high ring of fire it must be pointed out but it seems that Occy isn’t smart enough to lift those tentacles over the flames so he collapses and is netted and tranquilised by a very happy Carny crew.  

did you want the Calamari well done?

But nature has a way of fighting back and when it rains, the water revives our many tentacled rubber skinned fiend who is less than happy at his surroundings and once again escapes.  When our intrepid heroes decide to get outta town they discover that though Occy isn’t smart enough to step over the flames he is smart enough to topple trees on the road and trap them.  Our Mexican friend then tracks Occy down to a cave and invites the rest to follow.  Of course they get trapped down there too since nighttime isn’t dark enough in a shitty, low budget way, a dank dark cave is perfect for making sure you can’t see shit.  In the end they find their way out to sunlight where Occy starts the party with a great rendition of Devo’s Whip It Good.  I won’t give away anymore cos hell, I fell asleep so I don’t know what happened. (actually that’s a lie, I stayed awake for the whole thing but the end was so dull I’ve erased it from my memory). 

look, there's our agent!  let's kill the bastard!!

This movie is bad beyond description, not helped by the “digital remastering” that seems to just mean it was dubbed straight from VHS to CDR – there are times when you seriously cannot see a thing but then again that just may be a blessing.  Featuring very early FX work by Rick Baker, the Octaman is actually pretty cool for a zipper wearing, rubber suited whatever he is but in the end you get what you paid for, so don’t pay too much.  An eco- disaster movie where disaster has more than one meaning, Octaman promises so much more than it delivers but then come on, what else did you really expect?

You want fries with that?

Sometimes a movie is just so bad, you can't help but love it!

Swamp Witch

Directed By: Kerry KnightYear: 2009

Written, directed, produced and starring Kerry Knight, this is a movie destined, like the Titanic, to go down in history! 

This movie holds a special place in my heart.  A place for the cheese, the bad, the outrageous and the dumb. Swamp Witch is something special, I mean really, really "special".  It's fitting that Cheezy Flicks are distributing it, I mean who else would? 

Our story starts with a couple watching the film “Swamp Witch” whilst out camping in the woods, (as you do when you are camping) – only to be attacked by the (digital) Swamp Witch!! This scene has nothing at all to do with the movie but heck why let logic get in the way. It introduces us to the Swamp Witch and throws in a couple of low budget kills so what the hell it’s done its job!  Now we get to the real movie.  

It’s 1910 Jamaica and Shona is a rich whitey’s mistress who gets sprung and is cursed to live forever as a witch at night but still gorgeous by day. (Much like my first wife) A century later we find Shona working at a 4 table café in a little southern town in Powaqa County in between stealing kids for food and fun.  Luckily for her the local sheriff (played by Mr. Knight himself) is a nonchalant laidback sort of chap who doesn’t let things like rising body counts and missing kids affect that laidback manner at all. Hell he finds a chewed up arm, even sees the witch but doesn’t break a sweat. His deputy tells him the stories about the witch in the woods and kids disappearing but he doesn’t get the hint, yet. Even the Halloween massacre – kids disappearing, two decapitations (including a little digital head in a bowl action!) doesn’t make him move any faster. And as it is one of the murders never gets mentioned so I don’t even know if anyone even noticed?  The mayor however is a little more agitated, this sort of thing isn’t good for the town so she calls in her daughter (Poe) who just happens to be a blonde CSI agent! (I think we all know where they got the inspiration for this character from – Miami anyone?)

what do you mean I can't get out of the contract?

 Now it starts to get funny bad instead of just bad.  For example: Poe’s son went missing years ago and she is still haunted by the case and flashbacks abound although they don’t lead anywhere or add anything to the story.  The sheriff goes to check out the “witches” shed in the woods, bumps into Shona and accepts her story that grandma lives in the shed.  He doesn’t even go inside.  Kids are missing, there’s an old lady living in the woods but he doesn’t check the place out?!  Instead he flies to Jamaica (as you do when you are a local sheriff) to check out Shona’s story and then ambles back with the truth but doesn’t quite know what to do with it. His deputies think there is someone in the police station but rather than look for them, they just leave and lock up! Shona drives a pencil through a customer’s arm but they don’t report it straight away. Oh no, they make us wait while Knight still just ambles and Poe has more flashbacks. When they eventually do get there to report Shona, they also mention an old lady they saw chowing down on a deer in the woods.  So the sheriff and Poe check out the old shed in the woods again, find blood and weapons but still don’t do anything about it.  Meanwhile the boys cop some Shona revenge with a forklift impaling but again, no one seems to care.  Hell, at one point Poe and the sheriff find a body in the woods and then have a philosophical discussion by the lake about life, the universe and unsolved crimes!  

the catering on this film leaves a lot to be desired

In this town everything seems to move slow until finally Poe heads out to the shed, finds a body in a car and pulls it out to take the car (as you do) and confronts the witch. The sheriff ain’t far behind, just a little more leisurely.  I won’t spoil the ending because hell, you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

At first I wasn’t sure what I was watching, was it a TV movie that never made it to the small screen, was it a training tape (Knight apparently runs a film school) or was it just plain bad? Well it is bad, very, very bad but in a way that you just cannot believe!!  And that’s what makes it so good.   This film goes on far too long (105 mins!!??) but that is because Knight was trying to add back story and give his characters life rather than just kill them off… he should probably have just killed them off but then that’s what makes this movie so “special”. It lacks, tension, logic, reason but it does have Poe (Lori Wilford) and Knight. It has bad digital fx, made for TV acting, great (and bad) lines and an ending that just makes you go “seriously?” Swamp Witch is in a class of its own.   Like Scream Dream, Robo-Monster, Curse Of The Screaming Dead and all those cheesy, c-grade, no budget, I need a 6 pack at least to watch this, type of films, Swamp Witch is destined to be a remembered, just probably not the way Kerry Knight wanted it to be.  

EGO thy name is Kerry Knight!

Dracula Meets The Professionals!

The Satanic Rites Of Dracula

Director: Alan Gibson 1973

 With the success of the Count Yorga movies leading the way, in the early 70s Hammer Horror decided to bring back the king of the fang fuckers, the one and only Count Dracula and update the bastard too, bringing him into the twentieth century.  Two films were made, both directed by Gibson, Dracula AD 1972 and this, the follow up – The Satanic Rites Of Dracula.  With Christopher Lee back as the one and only Count and Peter Cushing as his nemesis Professor Van Helsing the two movies proved popular and cashed in on not only the new found audience that Yorga had provided but also the new trendy witch coven craze that was sweeping Great Britain at the time as well.  Both movies would use the premise of covens and satanic masses to their advantage.  AD 1972 used a swinging young crowd of nihilistic bastards to revive the count but Satanic Rites went for a much more powerful nemesis – big business.

It’s 1973, swinging London and in a country mansion on the outskirts of the city a black mass is taking place while a couple of likely lads in sheepskin jackets watch over some poor bloke tied on a bed who will soon find out is a spy, or at least an undercover agent who’s been rumbled.  While the hooded Satanists drool over a dead cockerel and a ginger minge live altar babe dripping with blood, the undercover agent escapes the sheepskin jackets and run for the gates where his comrades await.  We soon learn from the now dying spyboy that the satanic sect contains a corrupt government minister (who just happens to run the department doing the spying!) a nobel prize winning professor, a lord of the peer and a rich bastard land owner.  Rich, powerful and up to no good, what with their robes and upside down crosses on their foreheads and their sweaty palms and all that.  The spyboys realise though that they can’t tell anyone cos their boss is after all one of the baddies so they enlist the help of Inspector Murray (played by Michael Coles) from the Special Branch. Why?  Well, because he was in Dracula AD 1972 that’s why, thus providing us with the link to Professor Van Helsing and his delectable grand daughter Jessica, this time played by Ab Fab’s Joanna Lumley.  (Stephanie Beacham had the honour in AD 1972) 

So we have Murray, Van Helsing (Peter Cushing at his sublime best), Jessica, spy bloke Torrence (Pommy familiar face William Franklin) and his boss Matthews who have to figure out what’s going on.  While Van Helsing goes to check up on his mate the professor, Murray, Torrence and Jessica go and have a look at the mansion. (as you do, vampires, satanic cults – send yr grand daughter along, she’ll be ok).  Turns out there’s a batch of vampire scrubbers in the basement, including Torrence’s secretary freshly bitten by our man Christopher Lee and Jessica has stumbled onto them.  She’s not looking so Ab Fab now, what with four greedy fang fuckers trying to get a bite on.  Luckily for her, Murray and Torrence rush in, stake the secretary (not quite what Torrence had in mind I’m sure) and drag her out to safety.  After of course, a brief struggle with the sheepskin boys.  Meanwhile, Van Helsing has found his mate the nobel winning prof in a bit of a state, in the midst a nervous breakdown and having just created a new and even more virulent strain of the bubonic plague!  Unfortunately before he can find out just what the hell is going on, another sheepskin boy bursts in and when the good Van Helsing awakens, his mate is hanging from the rafters and the plague cultures have gone. Seems like there’s more than just a bit of bloodletting going on.

Turns out that a mysterious Mr. D.D. Denham has built an empire on the very spot where Van Helsing last staked Dracula (AD1972) and on his board of management? The four Satanist rich bastards. Ah, the link they were looking for.  So while the others stake out the mansion, (bad pun I know) Van Helsing goes to confront the mysterious Mr D who by the by has never been photographed, interviewed or even seen in public.  (how long before the penny drops you wonder?)  Van Helsing and Mr D have a chat (bad move really, Dracula does not talk, he kills) and yes, surprise surprise it’s the evil one hisself!  But before Van Helsing can do away with the vampire with his silver bullet (huh? I thought that was werewolves) his henchmen grab the good prof and he’s whisked off to the mansion where a surprise awaits.  You see, while he’s been toying with the Count, Torrence and Matthews have been shot dead by the sheepskin boys and Murray and Jessica have been captured.  But Murray is a good improviser and he stakes a couple of the vamp scrubbers, turns the sprinkler system on the others (clear running water is bad for them apparently) and then hides upstairs.  Apparently Dracula has a master plan, one the rich bastards didn’t know about.  He plans to make the tasty Jessica his bride then unleash the plague on the world, an apocalypse to destroy the human race with the remaining three rich bastards plus and unwilling Van Helsing as his four horsemen of the apocalypse!  The rich bastards aren’t cool with this plan however, they figured the plague was a back up threat so they could just, you know, take over the world.  Suckas!!! Let that be a lesson to you never trust the king of the undead.  The corrupt minister is the first infected and while he bubbles and screams, Murray is upstairs brawling with another sheepskin bloke (how many are there?) and starts a fire that sort of fucks things up for our Count.  The floor collapses, the fire spreads downstairs, Van Helsing and Dracula have a bit of a push me shove you – Murray saves Jessica, the minister burns thus preventing the plague from spreading and the vampire and the vampire hunter take their fight outside. 

Finally, Van Helsing tricks Dracula into walking into a Hawthorn Tree (Heyzeus’s crown of thorns was made from the same) apparently he doesn’t like this sort of thing and tangled up and bleeding, Van Helsing stakes the sucka through the heart.  The End.

So, what do we get?  Well it’s sort of The Professionals meets Count Dracula but for some reason it works. Maybe even more so now, what with conspiracy theories on everything from 9/11 to the price of bread to cricket being rigged… the idea of a small group of evil satan worshipping rich bastards led by the king of the undead, trying to take over the world?  Doesn’t sound that far fetched to me.  Sure the clobber is dated and hopefully those sleeveless sheepskin jackets will never come back in fashion, but the acting is great, Cushing is sublime, Lee over acts a little but hell he’s Dracula what do you expect?  It’s a fast paced movie, there’s no real downtime, everything slowly peels away to reveal the ugly truth, it’s a typical good (but not great) Hammer Horror but that’s still a step above most of their competitors.

Breasts, blood, the plague, vampires, satanic cults – what more could you want?  

It's happening right now! apparently

Demons, drugs, nerds, presidents... oh and fred williamson!

Dropping Evil 

Directed By: Adam Protextor 2012

Kicking off like it’s going to be another teens in the woods, bad guy slaughtering them type o’ low budget fun, Dropping Evil quickly takes a turn to something much more.  Trouble is it also gets very confusing before you really work out what that turn is. In the end we get a movie that is part slasher, part conspiracy, part looney tunes and even has some fantasy thrown in, sort of, maybe, in a weird gods and devils type thing, sort of, maybe. Let me just say there’s a lot going on and it isn’t always clear just what that means.  Sort of, maybe…

 Anyway, our four main protagonists go like this – Mike and Samantha are a couple, cool, good lookin’ kids, the other two Becky and Nancy are nerds.  Oh and despite the name Nancy is a boy, he’s also a straight edge god fearing cliché. And I loved that about the boy.  In fact while the four are off on a weekend trip away, he’s such a pain in the arse that the others decide to spike his drink with a little acid, just to liven him up and save them from a weekend of total god bothering. Things don’t go to plan though and when godboy has a bad trip he “sees” his friends’ true natures and kills them off. That’s not really a spoiler cos this isn’t your normal stalker flick. You kind of work that out when before the kids head off for their weekend in the woods we see Becky having a camera fitted into her eye by some mysterious corporation called ValYouCorp. Oh and in black and white no less while some musclebound god delivers his lines like he’s an amateur wrestler and Tiffany Shepis does… well, I’m not sure what she does really, she’s just eye candy or a confusing plot link or something, sort of, maybe.  

okay, okay i take it back, you are an integral part of the story... now put the knife down

Once Nancy goes nuts though things get really out of hand, with a branch through the head, a fishhook in the mouth, a decapitation and a wacked out tennis style showdown between axe and cardoor before a great what the fuck moment involving Mike and Nancy that I wont give away simply because it’s fun to make you wait for it yourself.  It’s only after this showdown though that we start to get a little explanation about just what the fuck is going on and how our four mainstay teens have a connection to ValYouCorp that goes back all of 18 years ago, when they were still babies in the wombs of their confused mothers. 

Because you axed for it!!

Throw in some cyborgs, a talking head and some godlike figures with connections to the President of the USA and you have a very weird stew. Before you really get any further though the damn movie abruptly ends and goes straight into the trailer for the sequel!! Yes, you heard me… sequelitis at its worst or best depending on how you feel… I don’t mind cliffhanger tv shows but a dvd?  Further inspection of the credits also reveals that this movie took four years to make so I guess that there explains why the movie finishes so abruptly, leaving us with far more questions than answers.  

Luckily this package contains three mini sequels(Daddy-O Died So Love Could Live, The Rise Of Gunhead and Becky’s The Boss ) that explain a little more of this convoluted story, a story that combines mythology, gods, zombies, science and big business, oh and explains what Tiffany is supposed to be doing (besides taking her shirt off). This has all the usual problems of a low budget flick but the use of colour and black and white to differentiate between the quartet’s story and the Corporation’s view point is a clever trick and the acting of Tom Taylor (Mike), Rachel Howell (Samantha) and Armin Shimerman as the CEO of Valyou Corp definitely lifts the movie.  And the story once you get it worked out is good, it’s just that it takes till the end before it starts to make sense and even then there are characters that aren’t quite explained and holes in the story that you don’t work out until you watch the mini movies. The real trouble it seems is over ambition, Protextor and crew had too many ideas and not enough time or money to fulfill them. A shame really because those extra mini movies really help you to understand just what the hell the story is about but you have to get to them first and I can see a lot of people not bothering, their loss really.  Ambitious, daft, entertaining, infuriating, occasionally funny this could have been much much more but hell I can’t fault ‘em for trying to be a little different, I just wish it had been a little smoother ride.

don't mess with the nerd!

Vampire Babe Vs The Mummy!

BLOOD SCARAB

D: Donald F Glut 2008

A b-grade throwback to the days of monster vs monster that reminds me at times of the later, trashy Hammer Horror flicks this movie pits the legendary Elizabeth Bathory (played with relish by Monique T. Parent) against a shambling mummy that looks suspiciously like Jason’s dead corpse (something to do with JC Beuchler’s F13 pt7 fx me thinks) in that hotspot of monster madness – California! (where else would you go if you can’t be in sunlight?)  

Bathory has survived all these centuries because she wed her Transylvanian neighbour, one Count Dracula but after the Count stays out too late perving at terrible actresses with great hooters and is reduced to dust, she craves the ability to be out sucking blood 24/7.  Trusty servant Renfield (Del Howison doing a corker job) finds the clue, an ancient Egyptian spell that will give her that power.  She needs a mummy though and luckily there’s one in town.  Not that it’s doing much this time around, though it has been active in movies past (Mummy’s Kiss), this time it’s a waiting game, because after all, a mummy topless is not that attractive but the three gals that Bathory needs to invoke the spell are.  And the Egyptian goddess Hathor and her dancing sidekicks are pretty easy on the eye too.  After getting her way and discovering that she can now work on her tan (she takes her kit off to prove it) Bathory decides she no longer needs Hathor but the Egyptian bitch won’t take that lying down so of course, it’s mummy vs vampire in an old school Universal movies moment.  I won’t give away the ending but I will say that this is more Abbot and Costello than Freddy V Jason.  

Still, this is a fun movie.  Glut has no illusions of grandeur, he knows he’s making a b-grade flick and he’s having fun with it.  Parent and Howison are great, Howison especially and that makes up for the lack of acting skill in the babes, but hell they get their kit off, they look good and they’re vamps – who cares if they can’t act?

What you’ve got here is a labour of love that is a good b-grade, second feature, drive-in movie (if we still had drive-ins) and I for one think it’s great that Glut still has that passion.  On a sad note this film was dedicated to the late great Jillian (Naked Fist) Kessner.  Now there’s a lost classic!

rubber ducky you're the one, you make bathtime so much fun

It's the Bronx Warriors versus Blade Runner!

Bronx Executioner

D: Vanio Amici 1989

What can I say?  This is quite possibly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen and consequently also one of the best!!!  Does that make any sense?  A b-grade extravaganza of bad dubbing, poor acting, inane lines and re-used footage this post-apocalyptic journey through the badlands of a New York that consists of quarries, beaches and a European castle (?!) is in a class all its own.  Our ‘story’ starts with new sheriff James (Gabriele Gori) being sent to the Bronx for his final test – we know this because a voice over explains it all to us during the stock footage opening.  After a strange sequence where a sniper is eyeing off James as he struggles through the jungles (?) of the Bronx only to be picked off at the last second, James meets the “black man” Warren played by b- grade luminary Woody Strode (Kingdom Of The Spiders, Django Rides Again, The Quick And The Dead) except the footage of Woody comes from a 1984 movie called The Final Executioner!! Why? Why not? Hell, it’s so disjointed a movie anyway, if I hadn’t looked it up I wouldn’t have known.  Anyway, Warren (Woody) is a mentor of sorts to James as he prepares to take on the android gangs – you see the Bronx has become a dumping ground for replicants and humanoids who have technical faults – they have feelings. These gangs have split into two though they all look human anyway so really I think it was a gang flick that was cashing in on The Bronx Warriors idea but then went replicant ala Blade Runner or something during the dubbing!  But the gangs are battling each other – one group (the androids) led by leather clad Margie (Margit Evelyn Newton – Night Of The Zombies and Final Executioner!), the other gang (the humanoids) led by man mountain Dakar (Alex Vitale).  This we learn from Warren as he teaches James before kicking some humanoid arse for no apparent reason other than because he can. (or because they had the footage left over from the previous film).  

The androids meanwhile have staged a massacre, killing off a stack of humanoids while Dakar was pfaffing about in their lab but one girl got away, the girl that Dakar has – gasp, shock, horror – feelings for.  See, he is almost human after all.  The girl gets raped by a bad android while Margie and her hot to trot boyfriend Shark watch on.  Now how an android can rape someone is neither here nor there, nor should we ask how he can rape without taking his or her pants off. The deed is done, the girl is dead and Dakar wants revenge.  It’s called plot development people, keep up with the programme. The man mountain goes to the black man only to find that he’s gone (or they ran out of suitable footage) after putting James through bootcamp and proclaiming him ready (in a letter no less!).  So, after dubbing James “white man” (hey I’m not making this up) the humanoid man mountain with the dress sense of a rejected village person and the sheriff with the charisma of a wet sock join up to take on Margie and her gang of post-apocalyptic Bronx Warrior rejects.  Margie and Shark meanwhile have been sitting securely in their European  castle (of course, it’s the Bronx after all!) watching footage of the rape scene and getting themselves hot and bothered. Again you may ask how androids can have these sorts of feelings but don’t – it won’t make it any easier to follow.  Shark does a little spying as Margie strips off and then interrupts for a little long awaited rumpy pumpy.  Unfortunately Dakar and the gang choose this moment to break into the castle and ruin everything.  Hilarity ensues as guard dogs are set loose, people run up and down the same stairs over and over, Margie’s breasts shrink!!!! (the curse of stock footage maybe?) and Shark gets his comeuppance. Oh and Dakar and James bond in a final touching moment.

Seriously this is a terrible movie. Stock film, repeated footage, bad acting, atrocious dubbing, long drives in the country, plot holes galore – the list goes on. BUT I can’t help but recommend it.  It is in a class of its own.  Fans of bad movies will worship at the altar of Dakar and Margie, it will provide hours of entertainment for drunken parties, it will make your friends and family question your very sanity and you may well find your name being whispered in certain ‘circles’ but it is all worth it.  Once in your life comes a movie that will change the way you see things – Bronx Executioner could well be that movie because after watching this, trust me, nothing will be the same! 

can a machine love a human being?

Dyanne Thorne does what she does best!

Ilsa – Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks

Directed By: Don Edmonds  1976

From Cheezy Flicks comes the second of the Ilsa movies where we find the pneumatic blonde Dyanne Thorne’s sadistic character somehow working as a Harem keeper for an Arab Sheik! Yes, stories of her death in Ilsa She Wolf of The SS were greatly exaggerated it seems and yes, she has aged remarkably well considering this seems to be set in the 70s of oil shortages and greed but who are we to question such things. Hell just be happy, after all we get lots of naked sheilas, a little bit of torture, some cheap jokes at America’s expense (well Henry Kissinger specifically) and the sight of swarthy Arab stereotypes who all have American accents wanting to defile women. Oh yeah and we get Ilsa’s hot bodyguards Satin and Velvet who in one memorable scene perform topless, oiled up kungfuey on an Arab Ron Jeremy before ripping his nuts out with their bare hands!!  

                        I don’t remember seeing that sort of thing on the Discovery Channel.

The film starts with three plush lined packing crates delivered to the Sheik’s harem containing a millionare’s daughter, a movie actress (Uschi “SuperVixens” Digard) and a famous equestrian! Of course no one is going to miss them are they? (and strangely enough they don’t… I mean a millionare’s daughter? And no one wonders where she is?) Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile is being serviced by another hot oiled up piece while he awaits a visit from his American business colleague Dr. Kaiser (a wonderful pisstake of Henry Kissinger) and his offsider Commander Adam Scott. It seems the Sheik is sitting on top of a lot of oil and is holding out on the Yankees which of course pisses them off no end. Scott is an American intelligence officer who is supposedly undercover but both Groove Thang and Ilsa know that before he even gets there, so much for intelligence. Before Kaiser and Scott arrive though the Sheik decides to throw a big party and auction off his old slave girls, just so the evil Americans don’t notice them. Later on he offers Kaiser any girl he wants anyway which kind of defeats the purpose of appearing squeaky clean but hey, who can understand the ways of the modern business man? The girls are force fed, subject to some crude 70s plastic surgery (silicon in the butt cheeks anyone?) and then sold to the most American sounding and looking swarthy, evil Arabs you’ve seen in a long time, one poor gal even having her teeth knocked out with a chisel! (off screen of course) Scott has a gal on the inside, a belly dancer with a bugging device in her bellybutton. Poor gal though is discovered and tortured and has her eyeball served up to Dr. Kaiser (he thinks he’s eating a sheep’s eye). 

Scott meanwhile is cool, calm, detached (or just a piss poor actor – I’m leaning towards the latter) who gives Ilsa what she really needs – some good old American dick! Yep, that’s all it takes and she’s totally infatuated with him after that. Of course, Sheik Your Groove Thang soon works out what is going on and has the American chained up with a weird cage over his head containing a tarantula waiting to eat him (I couldn’t make this up) and then has Ilsa tied up to be ravaged by a leper! Of course, what else could he do? 

It all backfires though, Ilsa’s love for the American boner has her arm the harem and take on Groove Thang. Yep, oiled up, topless babes with guns and knives on a killing spree! Chuck Norris never made a film this good!! Unfortunately there are always casualties in war and Satin and Velvet miss out on having their own TV series. Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile goes out with a bang (and I mean that literally – we’re talking booby trapped diaphragm), his nephew, the boy who has been kept in the dungeons and is the real heir to the throne, takes charge, America the Brave strolls into the sunset… and Ilsa… well let’s just say the prince is a chip off the old block. 

Not nearly as vicious or dirty as the first in the series (hell, Thorne keeps her clothes on until well into the movie) or as bizarre as Jess Franco’s unofficial entry ‘Ilsa, Wicked Warden’ this is still a b-grade extravaganza with enough torture, tits and outright stupidity to keep you entertained all the way through. Hell, Richard Kennedy as Dr. Kaiser is almost worth your money alone let alone the double team of Tanya Boyd (Satin) and Marilyn Joy (Velvet). Cheezy by name, Cheezy by nature – you really can’t go wrong. 

Sheik it all about