Two buck video time!

ACTION JACKSON

D: Craig R Baxley 1988

From the producers of Predator & Lethal Weapon! screams the video slick so you know what you’re in for.  Yes, it’s Carl Weathers as the mofo one man army “I don’t play by the rules” cop with a chip on his shoulder, the slick one liners and the personal vendetta against the bad guy.  Trouble is the bad guy is played by Craig T Nelson and it’s kinda hard to take good ol Craig T seriously.  Not sure if Craig is playing a cold hearted bastard or if it’s that his acting is so tv movie of the week that he just appears emotionless.  Big budget action movie like this and they couldn’t get Gary Busey or even Wings Hauser?  What is the world coming to?

So the movie starts with some poor union schmuck workin’ late with his secretary (no he really is working!) when they get they’re asses kicked by a big budget ninja white boy gang who come in thru the windows and send the schmuck out as toast!  Said ninjas of course consisting of a cool unkillable black guy, a guy with an incredibly bad mullet, the guy who looks like Huey Lewis and a token just plain ugly white cracker. 

Craig T plays a car manufacturer/rich bastard by the name of Peter Dellaplane who is knocking off the union guys from the AWA who aren’t on his side.  See, he’s got his eye on the presidency.  He doesn’t want the throne, he wants to be the power behind the throne.  So he’s killing off the guys who get in his way.  Our man Action Jackson is in his way.  Jackson got demoted to desk sergeant after he roughed up Dellaplane’s psycho shitdick sexual deviant son during an arrest.  We know Action is cool when we hear this conversation with his captain.

“You nearly tore that boy’s arm off!” “So?  He had a spare.” 

Damn, they don’t write ‘em like that anymore.  Anyways, good ol Craig has married Sharon Stone and is porking Vanity on the side.  Tough life Craig.  Action gets in the way of course but not until the girls get the puppies out for a walk.   Shazza, after overhearing a conversation about a dead union guy, goes to Action to tell him about it and seek his advice.  She knows her Craig T is a good guy deep down, honest.  She is of course wrong and they both nearly get run down by a cab driven by cool unkillable black guy.  Cue Action Jackson jumping on top of cab and shootings and car crash and black guy getting away.  Least now we know that Action deserves his nickname.   Oh yeah, Vanity does what she does best, look sultry, sing bad 80s drek and take her top off. 

Jackson of course hooks up with her but meanwhile Craig T has shot Shazza and dumped her nekkid corpse at Jackson’s place.  So now Jackson has the cops after him for murder, Craig T after him just because and he’s stuck with a talentless junkie with no brains and no sign of the poisoned dwarf to at least provide her with a decent song. 

So we end up, after a bit of biffo and a few one liners ‘tween our hero and our junkie with the nice tits, at a big party at Craig T’s place where the cool unkillable black guy is gonna off a union boss and make it look like Action Jackson is responsible.  But Action has a new offsider in Vanity’s bodyguard who turns up in the nick of time and saves Action from being burnt to a crisp and the boys then toast the mullet guy and the ugly guy and eventually even Huey Lewis, but I mean come on how hard can it be to kill Huey?  Should have just played his records back to him!  Even the cool unkillable black guy finally gets it, though I have to admit I was disappointed in how easy it was in the end.  Never fear though because we still got the big showdown ‘tween Craig T and Action going mano o mano where finally Carl remembers where he got his start and he gets all Apollo Creed on Craig’s ass.  The good guys win, the bad guys are all dead, Jackson gets his old job back and he whisks Vanity away for a night of cold sweats and withdrawal blues.

Carl ain’t no Richard Roundtree, hell he ain’t even Danny Glover but what the fuck, he did what he had to do and that’s all you can ask.  And he sure as shit out acted Craig T and Vanity but then that’s not saying much is it?   Oh yeah I should mention the oriental guy with the droopy mustache and that awful balding at the front, long at the back cut who’s in all these movies too.  Who is that guy anyway?

He's all action!

It's Only A Movie... It's Only A Movie...

Porn Shoot Massacre

Directed By: Corbin Timbrook  2008

“Seven unlucky adult film stars are about to switch genres: from porn to gore. Will any of them make it out alive?”

Come on who can resist a tag like that?  This movie is much better than it has any right to be, I mean really it is.  Of course it has the usual problems associated with low budget film making, not the greatest actors nor the big dollar fx but this throwback to the masked psycho/low budget slashers of the 80s does have some style and utilizes the sets beautifully to create a claustrophobic, sleazy, creepy feel that carries the film past its faults.  The storyline is pretty simple – there’s a new porn director in town, Donald Malfini, and he’s offering outlandish amounts of money to the girls to make films with him. None of them question the cheap, nasty warehouse he’s using for the film though, nor do they say much about his fake beard and none of them notice the peeping tom or the discreet security cameras filming their every move.  The title gives it away so it is no surprise to find out that Malfini is making a “specialist film” shall we say, as we witness the girls being picked off one by one by a masked killer known simply as Brute.

With a shitload of hot chicks including porn starlets Kasey Poteet (aka Diana Prince) and Naomi Cruise and wrestling chick Shelly Martinez, there’s plenty of eye candy on the screen too. (We wont mention the dwarf… oops I just did!)

Gorehounds will probably be disappointed as the majority of the gore is more offscreen than on though the crimson does flow, the entrails do come out and the brutality though off screen still manages to leave a nasty taste in your mouth.  Of course, there has to be a twist as Malfini soon discovers when his crew start feeling the wrath of Brute and we all discover that this film is in fact a morality tale about greed!  And while I’m not a big fan of the current trend of the bad guy winning and the hero losing I have to say that the bleak ending in this film suits the story to a tee. There really is no other way to end it. Like I said at the start of this review- this movie is much better than it has any right to be. But that’s what I love about low budget films, the surprise packages. 

Don't mention the dwarf

Return of the redneck!!

Well it took a long time to work it out (and in the end i cheated!) but i finally have access to my blog again!! Yes, i've been locked out for the last coupla years, being technology challenged and all that.  But luddites unite there is always a way back in!

                                               so I guess I'd better update it occasionally now.

Insect Armaggedon!

TICKS

D: Tony Randel 1993

 Oh, flashbacks to my youth – a bunch o’ dumbshit city kids – little rich girl, muscle boy, street smart black, nerdy nervous whitebread etc are off to camp in the woods where something lurks.  No, not a psychopathic serial killing legend from years gone by, instead its ticks, fist sized, bloodsucking ticks!  See, Clint Howard (bow before the legend that is he) and a mate have a dope plantation and the growth hormone they’re using on their mull works on the ticks too!  Big fucking ugly jelly bellied slobbering ticks start showing up but no one seems to notice.  

Not nearly enough bodies in this, hell most of the kids escape but there was enough dumb shit, walking corpses, exploding ticks, Clint getting’ fucked up, hallucinations and general b-grade clichés to keep me happy.  (of course the beer helped – or was it the mull?)  No tit though!! Curse the PC nineties – violence and eco-disaster is fine but sex is out!!!??? No wonder everyone is going back to the 80s.  at least there were tits back then. (although most of you kids were probably still suckin’ on yer mummy’s udders)

there goes yr crop!

Cheese and Honey go so well together

The Bees

Directed By: Alfredo Zacarias 1978

John Saxon, John Carradine, President Ford and killer bees in a low budget eco-disaster Swarm knock off (with a twist)!!  I mean what more do you need?

Okay, okay I guess we should mention the storyline then for those who aren’t already rushing out to buy this baby.  A yankee scientist is working in South America trying to create a hybrid bee that will provide higher honey yields. He’s having problems back home though and suspects corruption in higher places. Unfortunately the bees he is working with are pretty vicious and after a boy is killed by a swarm of them (well by a bunch of glitches and scratches on the screen that represent the bees!) the natives get restless and trash the place, releasing the bees who take out their vengeance on the yankee scientist.

Meanwhile back in the USA our two Johns are talking to a table of world leaders in some sort of segue/comedy skit to introduce their characters into the story.  Turns out Carradine is a scientist type himself and he’s also the uncle of our poor yankee scientist’s wife… And she’s on her way home to continue her late hubby’s work.  She’s also going to get very friendly with Saxon – so much for the grieving widow routine.  Turns out the yankee scientist was right, there is some corruption going on and when big biz steps in, our two Johns are forced to go rogue so they can continue their studies ‘for the sake of humanity’.  Not that humanity is having much luck since the killer bees are already swarming, or at least some scratchy black clouds that look like they are actually drawn onto the film stock, are swarming!!  The beach is attacked, poorly paid extras die, things aren’t looking good. Turns out the swarm is near a radar station and the signals are mutating them.  

it's what all the modern grieving widows are wearing

The hive itself looks almost alien and is quite effective in its appearance, particularly when you consider that the swarm is usually drawn onto the screen.  When the bees attack the Rose Parade, complete with stock footage of President Ford, things get serious.  Chemical warfare, planes, flame throwers, UN observers, romance, love, betrayal, hitmen take out poor old Uncle John but then the bees hunt them down!  The Capitol comes under attack, there’s stock footage carnage, planes crashing and those swarms of hand drawn bees.  BUT then there’s the twist.  You see Uncle John was working on another project, he was working on communicating with the bees!!  So of course with him out of the picture the bees go to the other John who wakes up to find his bedroom is a hive, a hive visually reminiscent in fact of Contagion, another nice touch.  The bees want us humans to clean up our act before we destroy the world so John and the merry widow take their message to the United Nations for a stirring speech by man and bee!  I tell ya, I couldn’t make this up.  This is so cheap, so dumb and yet so much fun.  Carradine with a bad German accent, Saxon at his peak, talking bees, corrupt politicians, it has it all.  And on a budget that probably didn’t provide more than honey sandwiches for lunch.  You just have to love it.

Guess Who's mum forgot the aeroguard?

Who ordered the Calamari with cheese?

   

 

Octaman

                                                          Director: Harry Essex 1971

In a little Mexican village radiation is poisoning the water and American scientist Dr. Torres is there trying to solve the mysteries of the deep, or at least the lake.  Mysteries like why does his voice not match his lips, why is it so dark all the time and why does a plastic octopus have human eyes?  

This plastic octopus gets Torres excited but when he whips back over the border to get more funding he finds the scientific community want nothing to do with him so he’s forced to accept the backing of a carnival owner who is hoping to bag himself a freak for the carny. Carny brings his buddy Bert Reynolds Jr along for the ride too. By the time they get back over the border to Mexico all the doc finds though is his friend’s corpse and an empty bucket.  The plastic octopus is gone!  A couple of leftover Spaghetti Western actors then wander on set and tell the tale of Octaman, a many armed, tentacle legged half man/half beast who, after the doc shares a brief dialogue about pollution, turns up to take out a couple of the locals. No more western movies for those guys. Luckily the good looking one survives so he can continue to help the gringos out. Good thing too cos it turns out Octaman has his eye(s) on the doctor’s gal and attacks the camp while the doc, the carny and Bert are out on the lake looking for him. (now there’s an episode of River monsters I’d like to see!) Occy gets the gal but the doc and Bert discombobulate him with lights (too many eyes you see) and then form a ring of fire to burn up the oxygen around him!  An ankle high ring of fire it must be pointed out but it seems that Occy isn’t smart enough to lift those tentacles over the flames so he collapses and is netted and tranquilised by a very happy Carny crew.  

did you want the Calamari well done?

But nature has a way of fighting back and when it rains, the water revives our many tentacled rubber skinned fiend who is less than happy at his surroundings and once again escapes.  When our intrepid heroes decide to get outta town they discover that though Occy isn’t smart enough to step over the flames he is smart enough to topple trees on the road and trap them.  Our Mexican friend then tracks Occy down to a cave and invites the rest to follow.  Of course they get trapped down there too since nighttime isn’t dark enough in a shitty, low budget way, a dank dark cave is perfect for making sure you can’t see shit.  In the end they find their way out to sunlight where Occy starts the party with a great rendition of Devo’s Whip It Good.  I won’t give away anymore cos hell, I fell asleep so I don’t know what happened. (actually that’s a lie, I stayed awake for the whole thing but the end was so dull I’ve erased it from my memory). 

look, there's our agent!  let's kill the bastard!!

This movie is bad beyond description, not helped by the “digital remastering” that seems to just mean it was dubbed straight from VHS to CDR – there are times when you seriously cannot see a thing but then again that just may be a blessing.  Featuring very early FX work by Rick Baker, the Octaman is actually pretty cool for a zipper wearing, rubber suited whatever he is but in the end you get what you paid for, so don’t pay too much.  An eco- disaster movie where disaster has more than one meaning, Octaman promises so much more than it delivers but then come on, what else did you really expect?

You want fries with that?

Sometimes a movie is just so bad, you can't help but love it!

Swamp Witch

Directed By: Kerry KnightYear: 2009

Written, directed, produced and starring Kerry Knight, this is a movie destined, like the Titanic, to go down in history! 

This movie holds a special place in my heart.  A place for the cheese, the bad, the outrageous and the dumb. Swamp Witch is something special, I mean really, really "special".  It's fitting that Cheezy Flicks are distributing it, I mean who else would? 

Our story starts with a couple watching the film “Swamp Witch” whilst out camping in the woods, (as you do when you are camping) – only to be attacked by the (digital) Swamp Witch!! This scene has nothing at all to do with the movie but heck why let logic get in the way. It introduces us to the Swamp Witch and throws in a couple of low budget kills so what the hell it’s done its job!  Now we get to the real movie.  

It’s 1910 Jamaica and Shona is a rich whitey’s mistress who gets sprung and is cursed to live forever as a witch at night but still gorgeous by day. (Much like my first wife) A century later we find Shona working at a 4 table café in a little southern town in Powaqa County in between stealing kids for food and fun.  Luckily for her the local sheriff (played by Mr. Knight himself) is a nonchalant laidback sort of chap who doesn’t let things like rising body counts and missing kids affect that laidback manner at all. Hell he finds a chewed up arm, even sees the witch but doesn’t break a sweat. His deputy tells him the stories about the witch in the woods and kids disappearing but he doesn’t get the hint, yet. Even the Halloween massacre – kids disappearing, two decapitations (including a little digital head in a bowl action!) doesn’t make him move any faster. And as it is one of the murders never gets mentioned so I don’t even know if anyone even noticed?  The mayor however is a little more agitated, this sort of thing isn’t good for the town so she calls in her daughter (Poe) who just happens to be a blonde CSI agent! (I think we all know where they got the inspiration for this character from – Miami anyone?)

what do you mean I can't get out of the contract?

 Now it starts to get funny bad instead of just bad.  For example: Poe’s son went missing years ago and she is still haunted by the case and flashbacks abound although they don’t lead anywhere or add anything to the story.  The sheriff goes to check out the “witches” shed in the woods, bumps into Shona and accepts her story that grandma lives in the shed.  He doesn’t even go inside.  Kids are missing, there’s an old lady living in the woods but he doesn’t check the place out?!  Instead he flies to Jamaica (as you do when you are a local sheriff) to check out Shona’s story and then ambles back with the truth but doesn’t quite know what to do with it. His deputies think there is someone in the police station but rather than look for them, they just leave and lock up! Shona drives a pencil through a customer’s arm but they don’t report it straight away. Oh no, they make us wait while Knight still just ambles and Poe has more flashbacks. When they eventually do get there to report Shona, they also mention an old lady they saw chowing down on a deer in the woods.  So the sheriff and Poe check out the old shed in the woods again, find blood and weapons but still don’t do anything about it.  Meanwhile the boys cop some Shona revenge with a forklift impaling but again, no one seems to care.  Hell, at one point Poe and the sheriff find a body in the woods and then have a philosophical discussion by the lake about life, the universe and unsolved crimes!  

the catering on this film leaves a lot to be desired

In this town everything seems to move slow until finally Poe heads out to the shed, finds a body in a car and pulls it out to take the car (as you do) and confronts the witch. The sheriff ain’t far behind, just a little more leisurely.  I won’t spoil the ending because hell, you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

At first I wasn’t sure what I was watching, was it a TV movie that never made it to the small screen, was it a training tape (Knight apparently runs a film school) or was it just plain bad? Well it is bad, very, very bad but in a way that you just cannot believe!!  And that’s what makes it so good.   This film goes on far too long (105 mins!!??) but that is because Knight was trying to add back story and give his characters life rather than just kill them off… he should probably have just killed them off but then that’s what makes this movie so “special”. It lacks, tension, logic, reason but it does have Poe (Lori Wilford) and Knight. It has bad digital fx, made for TV acting, great (and bad) lines and an ending that just makes you go “seriously?” Swamp Witch is in a class of its own.   Like Scream Dream, Robo-Monster, Curse Of The Screaming Dead and all those cheesy, c-grade, no budget, I need a 6 pack at least to watch this, type of films, Swamp Witch is destined to be a remembered, just probably not the way Kerry Knight wanted it to be.  

EGO thy name is Kerry Knight!