The Satanic Rites Of Dracula
Director: Alan Gibson 1973
With the success of the Count Yorga movies
leading the way, in the early 70s Hammer Horror decided to bring back the king
of the fang fuckers, the one and only Count Dracula and update the bastard too,
bringing him into the twentieth century.
Two films were made, both directed by Gibson, Dracula AD 1972 and this,
the follow up – The Satanic Rites Of Dracula.
With Christopher Lee back as the one and only Count and Peter Cushing as
his nemesis Professor Van Helsing the two movies proved popular and cashed in
on not only the new found audience that Yorga had provided but also the new
trendy witch coven craze that was sweeping Great Britain at the time as
well. Both movies would use the premise
of covens and satanic masses to their advantage. AD 1972 used a swinging young crowd of
nihilistic bastards to revive the count but Satanic Rites went for a much more
powerful nemesis – big business.
It’s 1973, swinging London and in a country
mansion on the outskirts of the city a black mass is taking place while a
couple of likely lads in sheepskin jackets watch over some poor bloke tied on a
bed who will soon find out is a spy, or at least an undercover agent who’s been
rumbled. While the hooded Satanists drool
over a dead cockerel and a ginger minge live altar babe dripping with blood,
the undercover agent escapes the sheepskin jackets and run for the gates where
his comrades await. We soon learn from
the now dying spyboy that the satanic sect contains a corrupt government
minister (who just happens to run the department doing the spying!) a nobel
prize winning professor, a lord of the peer and a rich bastard land owner. Rich, powerful and up to no good, what with
their robes and upside down crosses on their foreheads and their sweaty palms
and all that. The spyboys realise though
that they can’t tell anyone cos their boss is after all one of the baddies so
they enlist the help of Inspector Murray (played by Michael Coles) from the
Special Branch. Why? Well, because he
was in Dracula AD 1972 that’s why, thus providing us with the link to Professor
Van Helsing and his delectable grand daughter Jessica, this time played by Ab
Fab’s Joanna Lumley. (Stephanie Beacham
had the honour in AD 1972)
So we have Murray, Van Helsing (Peter
Cushing at his sublime best), Jessica, spy bloke Torrence (Pommy familiar face
William Franklin) and his boss Matthews who have to figure out what’s going
on. While Van Helsing goes to check up
on his mate the professor, Murray, Torrence and Jessica go and have a look at
the mansion. (as you do, vampires, satanic cults – send yr grand daughter
along, she’ll be ok). Turns out there’s
a batch of vampire scrubbers in the basement, including Torrence’s secretary
freshly bitten by our man Christopher Lee and Jessica has stumbled onto
them. She’s not looking so Ab Fab now,
what with four greedy fang fuckers trying to get a bite on. Luckily for her, Murray and Torrence rush in,
stake the secretary (not quite what Torrence had in mind I’m sure) and drag her
out to safety. After of course, a brief
struggle with the sheepskin boys.
Meanwhile, Van Helsing has found his mate the nobel winning prof in a
bit of a state, in the midst a nervous breakdown and having just created a new
and even more virulent strain of the bubonic plague! Unfortunately before he can find out just
what the hell is going on, another sheepskin boy bursts in and when the good
Van Helsing awakens, his mate is hanging from the rafters and the plague
cultures have gone. Seems like there’s more than just a bit of
bloodletting going on.
Turns out that a mysterious Mr. D.D. Denham
has built an empire on the very spot where Van Helsing last staked Dracula
(AD1972) and on his board of management? The four Satanist rich bastards. Ah,
the link they were looking for. So while
the others stake out the mansion, (bad pun I know) Van Helsing goes to confront
the mysterious Mr D who by the by has never been photographed, interviewed or
even seen in public. (how long before
the penny drops you wonder?) Van Helsing
and Mr D have a chat (bad move really, Dracula does not talk, he kills) and
yes, surprise surprise it’s the evil one hisself! But before Van Helsing can do away with the
vampire with his silver bullet (huh? I thought that was werewolves) his
henchmen grab the good prof and he’s whisked off to the mansion where a
surprise awaits. You see, while he’s
been toying with the Count, Torrence and Matthews have been shot dead by the
sheepskin boys and Murray and Jessica have been captured. But Murray
Finally, Van Helsing tricks Dracula into
walking into a Hawthorn Tree (Heyzeus’s crown of thorns was made from the same)
apparently he doesn’t like this sort of thing and tangled up and bleeding, Van
Helsing stakes the sucka through the heart.
The End.
So, what do we get? Well it’s sort of The Professionals meets
Count Dracula but for some reason it works. Maybe even more so now, what with
conspiracy theories on everything from 9/11 to the price of bread to cricket
being rigged… the idea of a small group of evil satan worshipping rich bastards
led by the king of the undead, trying to take over the world? Doesn’t sound that far fetched to me. Sure the clobber is dated and hopefully those
sleeveless sheepskin jackets will never come back in fashion, but the acting is
great, Cushing is sublime, Lee over acts a little but hell he’s Dracula what do
you expect? It’s a fast paced movie,
there’s no real downtime, everything slowly peels away to reveal the ugly
truth, it’s a typical good (but not great) Hammer Horror but that’s still a
step above most of their competitors.
Breasts, blood, the plague, vampires,
satanic cults – what more could you want?
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