Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dracula Meets The Professionals!

The Satanic Rites Of Dracula

Director: Alan Gibson 1973

 With the success of the Count Yorga movies leading the way, in the early 70s Hammer Horror decided to bring back the king of the fang fuckers, the one and only Count Dracula and update the bastard too, bringing him into the twentieth century.  Two films were made, both directed by Gibson, Dracula AD 1972 and this, the follow up – The Satanic Rites Of Dracula.  With Christopher Lee back as the one and only Count and Peter Cushing as his nemesis Professor Van Helsing the two movies proved popular and cashed in on not only the new found audience that Yorga had provided but also the new trendy witch coven craze that was sweeping Great Britain at the time as well.  Both movies would use the premise of covens and satanic masses to their advantage.  AD 1972 used a swinging young crowd of nihilistic bastards to revive the count but Satanic Rites went for a much more powerful nemesis – big business.



It’s 1973, swinging London and in a country mansion on the outskirts of the city a black mass is taking place while a couple of likely lads in sheepskin jackets watch over some poor bloke tied on a bed who will soon find out is a spy, or at least an undercover agent who’s been rumbled.  While the hooded Satanists drool over a dead cockerel and a ginger minge live altar babe dripping with blood, the undercover agent escapes the sheepskin jackets and run for the gates where his comrades await.  We soon learn from the now dying spyboy that the satanic sect contains a corrupt government minister (who just happens to run the department doing the spying!) a nobel prize winning professor, a lord of the peer and a rich bastard land owner.  Rich, powerful and up to no good, what with their robes and upside down crosses on their foreheads and their sweaty palms and all that.  The spyboys realise though that they can’t tell anyone cos their boss is after all one of the baddies so they enlist the help of Inspector Murray (played by Michael Coles) from the Special Branch. Why?  Well, because he was in Dracula AD 1972 that’s why, thus providing us with the link to Professor Van Helsing and his delectable grand daughter Jessica, this time played by Ab Fab’s Joanna Lumley.  (Stephanie Beacham had the honour in AD 1972) 


So we have Murray, Van Helsing (Peter Cushing at his sublime best), Jessica, spy bloke Torrence (Pommy familiar face William Franklin) and his boss Matthews who have to figure out what’s going on.  While Van Helsing goes to check up on his mate the professor, Murray, Torrence and Jessica go and have a look at the mansion. (as you do, vampires, satanic cults – send yr grand daughter along, she’ll be ok).  Turns out there’s a batch of vampire scrubbers in the basement, including Torrence’s secretary freshly bitten by our man Christopher Lee and Jessica has stumbled onto them.  She’s not looking so Ab Fab now, what with four greedy fang fuckers trying to get a bite on.  Luckily for her, Murray and Torrence rush in, stake the secretary (not quite what Torrence had in mind I’m sure) and drag her out to safety.  After of course, a brief struggle with the sheepskin boys.  Meanwhile, Van Helsing has found his mate the nobel winning prof in a bit of a state, in the midst a nervous breakdown and having just created a new and even more virulent strain of the bubonic plague!  Unfortunately before he can find out just what the hell is going on, another sheepskin boy bursts in and when the good Van Helsing awakens, his mate is hanging from the rafters and the plague cultures have gone. Seems like there’s more than just a bit of bloodletting going on.



Turns out that a mysterious Mr. D.D. Denham has built an empire on the very spot where Van Helsing last staked Dracula (AD1972) and on his board of management? The four Satanist rich bastards. Ah, the link they were looking for.  So while the others stake out the mansion, (bad pun I know) Van Helsing goes to confront the mysterious Mr D who by the by has never been photographed, interviewed or even seen in public.  (how long before the penny drops you wonder?)  Van Helsing and Mr D have a chat (bad move really, Dracula does not talk, he kills) and yes, surprise surprise it’s the evil one hisself!  But before Van Helsing can do away with the vampire with his silver bullet (huh? I thought that was werewolves) his henchmen grab the good prof and he’s whisked off to the mansion where a surprise awaits.  You see, while he’s been toying with the Count, Torrence and Matthews have been shot dead by the sheepskin boys and Murray and Jessica have been captured.  But Murray is a good improviser and he stakes a couple of the vamp scrubbers, turns the sprinkler system on the others (clear running water is bad for them apparently) and then hides upstairs.  Apparently Dracula has a master plan, one the rich bastards didn’t know about.  He plans to make the tasty Jessica his bride then unleash the plague on the world, an apocalypse to destroy the human race with the remaining three rich bastards plus and unwilling Van Helsing as his four horsemen of the apocalypse!  The rich bastards aren’t cool with this plan however, they figured the plague was a back up threat so they could just, you know, take over the world.  Suckas!!! Let that be a lesson to you never trust the king of the undead.  The corrupt minister is the first infected and while he bubbles and screams, Murray is upstairs brawling with another sheepskin bloke (how many are there?) and starts a fire that sort of fucks things up for our Count.  The floor collapses, the fire spreads downstairs, Van Helsing and Dracula have a bit of a push me shove you – Murray saves Jessica, the minister burns thus preventing the plague from spreading and the vampire and the vampire hunter take their fight outside. 
Finally, Van Helsing tricks Dracula into walking into a Hawthorn Tree (Heyzeus’s crown of thorns was made from the same) apparently he doesn’t like this sort of thing and tangled up and bleeding, Van Helsing stakes the sucka through the heart.  The End.


So, what do we get?  Well it’s sort of The Professionals meets Count Dracula but for some reason it works. Maybe even more so now, what with conspiracy theories on everything from 9/11 to the price of bread to cricket being rigged… the idea of a small group of evil satan worshipping rich bastards led by the king of the undead, trying to take over the world?  Doesn’t sound that far fetched to me.  Sure the clobber is dated and hopefully those sleeveless sheepskin jackets will never come back in fashion, but the acting is great, Cushing is sublime, Lee over acts a little but hell he’s Dracula what do you expect?  It’s a fast paced movie, there’s no real downtime, everything slowly peels away to reveal the ugly truth, it’s a typical good (but not great) Hammer Horror but that’s still a step above most of their competitors.

Breasts, blood, the plague, vampires, satanic cults – what more could you want?  

No comments: