Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Dyanne Thorne does what she does best!


Ilsa – Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks
Directed By: Don Edmonds  1976

From Cheezy Flicks comes the second of the Ilsa movies where we find the pneumatic blonde Dyanne Thorne’s sadistic character somehow working as a Harem keeper for an Arab Sheik! Yes, stories of her death in Ilsa She Wolf of The SS were greatly exaggerated it seems and yes, she has aged remarkably well considering this seems to be set in the 70s of oil shortages and greed but who are we to question such things. Hell just be happy, after all we get lots of naked sheilas, a little bit of torture, some cheap jokes at America’s expense (well Henry Kissinger specifically) and the sight of swarthy Arab stereotypes who all have American accents wanting to defile women. Oh yeah and we get Ilsa’s hot bodyguards Satin and Velvet who in one memorable scene perform topless, oiled up kungfuey on an Arab Ron Jeremy before ripping his nuts out with their bare hands!!  
                        I don’t remember seeing that sort of thing on the Discovery Channel.
The film starts with three plush lined packing crates delivered to the Sheik’s harem containing a millionare’s daughter, a movie actress (Uschi “SuperVixens” Digard) and a famous equestrian! Of course no one is going to miss them are they? (and strangely enough they don’t… I mean a millionare’s daughter? And no one wonders where she is?) Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile is being serviced by another hot oiled up piece while he awaits a visit from his American business colleague Dr. Kaiser (a wonderful pisstake of Henry Kissinger) and his offsider Commander Adam Scott. It seems the Sheik is sitting on top of a lot of oil and is holding out on the Yankees which of course pisses them off no end. Scott is an American intelligence officer who is supposedly undercover but both Groove Thang and Ilsa know that before he even gets there, so much for intelligence. Before Kaiser and Scott arrive though the Sheik decides to throw a big party and auction off his old slave girls, just so the evil Americans don’t notice them. Later on he offers Kaiser any girl he wants anyway which kind of defeats the purpose of appearing squeaky clean but hey, who can understand the ways of the modern business man? The girls are force fed, subject to some crude 70s plastic surgery (silicon in the butt cheeks anyone?) and then sold to the most American sounding and looking swarthy, evil Arabs you’ve seen in a long time, one poor gal even having her teeth knocked out with a chisel! (off screen of course) Scott has a gal on the inside, a belly dancer with a bugging device in her bellybutton. Poor gal though is discovered and tortured and has her eyeball served up to Dr. Kaiser (he thinks he’s eating a sheep’s eye). 


Scott meanwhile is cool, calm, detached (or just a piss poor actor – I’m leaning towards the latter) who gives Ilsa what she really needs – some good old American dick! Yep, that’s all it takes and she’s totally infatuated with him after that. Of course, Sheik Your Groove Thang soon works out what is going on and has the American chained up with a weird cage over his head containing a tarantula waiting to eat him (I couldn’t make this up) and then has Ilsa tied up to be ravaged by a leper! Of course, what else could he do? 
It all backfires though, Ilsa’s love for the American boner has her arm the harem and take on Groove Thang. Yep, oiled up, topless babes with guns and knives on a killing spree! Chuck Norris never made a film this good!! Unfortunately there are always casualties in war and Satin and Velvet miss out on having their own TV series. Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile goes out with a bang (and I mean that literally – we’re talking booby trapped diaphragm), his nephew, the boy who has been kept in the dungeons and is the real heir to the throne, takes charge, America the Brave strolls into the sunset… and Ilsa… well let’s just say the prince is a chip off the old block. 


Not nearly as vicious or dirty as the first in the series (hell, Thorne keeps her clothes on until well into the movie) or as bizarre as Jess Franco’s unofficial entry ‘Ilsa, Wicked Warden’ this is still a b-grade extravaganza with enough torture, tits and outright stupidity to keep you entertained all the way through. Hell, Richard Kennedy as Dr. Kaiser is almost worth your money alone let alone the double team of Tanya Boyd (Satin) and Marilyn Joy (Velvet). Cheezy by name, Cheezy by nature – you really can’t go wrong. 

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