Demons, drugs, nerds, presidents... oh and fred williamson!

Dropping Evil 

Directed By: Adam Protextor 2012

Kicking off like it’s going to be another teens in the woods, bad guy slaughtering them type o’ low budget fun, Dropping Evil quickly takes a turn to something much more.  Trouble is it also gets very confusing before you really work out what that turn is. In the end we get a movie that is part slasher, part conspiracy, part looney tunes and even has some fantasy thrown in, sort of, maybe, in a weird gods and devils type thing, sort of, maybe. Let me just say there’s a lot going on and it isn’t always clear just what that means.  Sort of, maybe…

 Anyway, our four main protagonists go like this – Mike and Samantha are a couple, cool, good lookin’ kids, the other two Becky and Nancy are nerds.  Oh and despite the name Nancy is a boy, he’s also a straight edge god fearing cliché. And I loved that about the boy.  In fact while the four are off on a weekend trip away, he’s such a pain in the arse that the others decide to spike his drink with a little acid, just to liven him up and save them from a weekend of total god bothering. Things don’t go to plan though and when godboy has a bad trip he “sees” his friends’ true natures and kills them off. That’s not really a spoiler cos this isn’t your normal stalker flick. You kind of work that out when before the kids head off for their weekend in the woods we see Becky having a camera fitted into her eye by some mysterious corporation called ValYouCorp. Oh and in black and white no less while some musclebound god delivers his lines like he’s an amateur wrestler and Tiffany Shepis does… well, I’m not sure what she does really, she’s just eye candy or a confusing plot link or something, sort of, maybe.  

okay, okay i take it back, you are an integral part of the story... now put the knife down

Once Nancy goes nuts though things get really out of hand, with a branch through the head, a fishhook in the mouth, a decapitation and a wacked out tennis style showdown between axe and cardoor before a great what the fuck moment involving Mike and Nancy that I wont give away simply because it’s fun to make you wait for it yourself.  It’s only after this showdown though that we start to get a little explanation about just what the fuck is going on and how our four mainstay teens have a connection to ValYouCorp that goes back all of 18 years ago, when they were still babies in the wombs of their confused mothers. 

Because you axed for it!!

Throw in some cyborgs, a talking head and some godlike figures with connections to the President of the USA and you have a very weird stew. Before you really get any further though the damn movie abruptly ends and goes straight into the trailer for the sequel!! Yes, you heard me… sequelitis at its worst or best depending on how you feel… I don’t mind cliffhanger tv shows but a dvd?  Further inspection of the credits also reveals that this movie took four years to make so I guess that there explains why the movie finishes so abruptly, leaving us with far more questions than answers.  

Luckily this package contains three mini sequels(Daddy-O Died So Love Could Live, The Rise Of Gunhead and Becky’s The Boss ) that explain a little more of this convoluted story, a story that combines mythology, gods, zombies, science and big business, oh and explains what Tiffany is supposed to be doing (besides taking her shirt off). This has all the usual problems of a low budget flick but the use of colour and black and white to differentiate between the quartet’s story and the Corporation’s view point is a clever trick and the acting of Tom Taylor (Mike), Rachel Howell (Samantha) and Armin Shimerman as the CEO of Valyou Corp definitely lifts the movie.  And the story once you get it worked out is good, it’s just that it takes till the end before it starts to make sense and even then there are characters that aren’t quite explained and holes in the story that you don’t work out until you watch the mini movies. The real trouble it seems is over ambition, Protextor and crew had too many ideas and not enough time or money to fulfill them. A shame really because those extra mini movies really help you to understand just what the hell the story is about but you have to get to them first and I can see a lot of people not bothering, their loss really.  Ambitious, daft, entertaining, infuriating, occasionally funny this could have been much much more but hell I can’t fault ‘em for trying to be a little different, I just wish it had been a little smoother ride.

don't mess with the nerd!

Vampire Babe Vs The Mummy!

BLOOD SCARAB

D: Donald F Glut 2008

A b-grade throwback to the days of monster vs monster that reminds me at times of the later, trashy Hammer Horror flicks this movie pits the legendary Elizabeth Bathory (played with relish by Monique T. Parent) against a shambling mummy that looks suspiciously like Jason’s dead corpse (something to do with JC Beuchler’s F13 pt7 fx me thinks) in that hotspot of monster madness – California! (where else would you go if you can’t be in sunlight?)  

Bathory has survived all these centuries because she wed her Transylvanian neighbour, one Count Dracula but after the Count stays out too late perving at terrible actresses with great hooters and is reduced to dust, she craves the ability to be out sucking blood 24/7.  Trusty servant Renfield (Del Howison doing a corker job) finds the clue, an ancient Egyptian spell that will give her that power.  She needs a mummy though and luckily there’s one in town.  Not that it’s doing much this time around, though it has been active in movies past (Mummy’s Kiss), this time it’s a waiting game, because after all, a mummy topless is not that attractive but the three gals that Bathory needs to invoke the spell are.  And the Egyptian goddess Hathor and her dancing sidekicks are pretty easy on the eye too.  After getting her way and discovering that she can now work on her tan (she takes her kit off to prove it) Bathory decides she no longer needs Hathor but the Egyptian bitch won’t take that lying down so of course, it’s mummy vs vampire in an old school Universal movies moment.  I won’t give away the ending but I will say that this is more Abbot and Costello than Freddy V Jason.  

Still, this is a fun movie.  Glut has no illusions of grandeur, he knows he’s making a b-grade flick and he’s having fun with it.  Parent and Howison are great, Howison especially and that makes up for the lack of acting skill in the babes, but hell they get their kit off, they look good and they’re vamps – who cares if they can’t act?

What you’ve got here is a labour of love that is a good b-grade, second feature, drive-in movie (if we still had drive-ins) and I for one think it’s great that Glut still has that passion.  On a sad note this film was dedicated to the late great Jillian (Naked Fist) Kessner.  Now there’s a lost classic!

rubber ducky you're the one, you make bathtime so much fun

It's the Bronx Warriors versus Blade Runner!

Bronx Executioner

D: Vanio Amici 1989

What can I say?  This is quite possibly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen and consequently also one of the best!!!  Does that make any sense?  A b-grade extravaganza of bad dubbing, poor acting, inane lines and re-used footage this post-apocalyptic journey through the badlands of a New York that consists of quarries, beaches and a European castle (?!) is in a class all its own.  Our ‘story’ starts with new sheriff James (Gabriele Gori) being sent to the Bronx for his final test – we know this because a voice over explains it all to us during the stock footage opening.  After a strange sequence where a sniper is eyeing off James as he struggles through the jungles (?) of the Bronx only to be picked off at the last second, James meets the “black man” Warren played by b- grade luminary Woody Strode (Kingdom Of The Spiders, Django Rides Again, The Quick And The Dead) except the footage of Woody comes from a 1984 movie called The Final Executioner!! Why? Why not? Hell, it’s so disjointed a movie anyway, if I hadn’t looked it up I wouldn’t have known.  Anyway, Warren (Woody) is a mentor of sorts to James as he prepares to take on the android gangs – you see the Bronx has become a dumping ground for replicants and humanoids who have technical faults – they have feelings. These gangs have split into two though they all look human anyway so really I think it was a gang flick that was cashing in on The Bronx Warriors idea but then went replicant ala Blade Runner or something during the dubbing!  But the gangs are battling each other – one group (the androids) led by leather clad Margie (Margit Evelyn Newton – Night Of The Zombies and Final Executioner!), the other gang (the humanoids) led by man mountain Dakar (Alex Vitale).  This we learn from Warren as he teaches James before kicking some humanoid arse for no apparent reason other than because he can. (or because they had the footage left over from the previous film).  

The androids meanwhile have staged a massacre, killing off a stack of humanoids while Dakar was pfaffing about in their lab but one girl got away, the girl that Dakar has – gasp, shock, horror – feelings for.  See, he is almost human after all.  The girl gets raped by a bad android while Margie and her hot to trot boyfriend Shark watch on.  Now how an android can rape someone is neither here nor there, nor should we ask how he can rape without taking his or her pants off. The deed is done, the girl is dead and Dakar wants revenge.  It’s called plot development people, keep up with the programme. The man mountain goes to the black man only to find that he’s gone (or they ran out of suitable footage) after putting James through bootcamp and proclaiming him ready (in a letter no less!).  So, after dubbing James “white man” (hey I’m not making this up) the humanoid man mountain with the dress sense of a rejected village person and the sheriff with the charisma of a wet sock join up to take on Margie and her gang of post-apocalyptic Bronx Warrior rejects.  Margie and Shark meanwhile have been sitting securely in their European  castle (of course, it’s the Bronx after all!) watching footage of the rape scene and getting themselves hot and bothered. Again you may ask how androids can have these sorts of feelings but don’t – it won’t make it any easier to follow.  Shark does a little spying as Margie strips off and then interrupts for a little long awaited rumpy pumpy.  Unfortunately Dakar and the gang choose this moment to break into the castle and ruin everything.  Hilarity ensues as guard dogs are set loose, people run up and down the same stairs over and over, Margie’s breasts shrink!!!! (the curse of stock footage maybe?) and Shark gets his comeuppance. Oh and Dakar and James bond in a final touching moment.

Seriously this is a terrible movie. Stock film, repeated footage, bad acting, atrocious dubbing, long drives in the country, plot holes galore – the list goes on. BUT I can’t help but recommend it.  It is in a class of its own.  Fans of bad movies will worship at the altar of Dakar and Margie, it will provide hours of entertainment for drunken parties, it will make your friends and family question your very sanity and you may well find your name being whispered in certain ‘circles’ but it is all worth it.  Once in your life comes a movie that will change the way you see things – Bronx Executioner could well be that movie because after watching this, trust me, nothing will be the same! 

can a machine love a human being?

Dyanne Thorne does what she does best!

Ilsa – Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks

Directed By: Don Edmonds  1976

From Cheezy Flicks comes the second of the Ilsa movies where we find the pneumatic blonde Dyanne Thorne’s sadistic character somehow working as a Harem keeper for an Arab Sheik! Yes, stories of her death in Ilsa She Wolf of The SS were greatly exaggerated it seems and yes, she has aged remarkably well considering this seems to be set in the 70s of oil shortages and greed but who are we to question such things. Hell just be happy, after all we get lots of naked sheilas, a little bit of torture, some cheap jokes at America’s expense (well Henry Kissinger specifically) and the sight of swarthy Arab stereotypes who all have American accents wanting to defile women. Oh yeah and we get Ilsa’s hot bodyguards Satin and Velvet who in one memorable scene perform topless, oiled up kungfuey on an Arab Ron Jeremy before ripping his nuts out with their bare hands!!  

                        I don’t remember seeing that sort of thing on the Discovery Channel.

The film starts with three plush lined packing crates delivered to the Sheik’s harem containing a millionare’s daughter, a movie actress (Uschi “SuperVixens” Digard) and a famous equestrian! Of course no one is going to miss them are they? (and strangely enough they don’t… I mean a millionare’s daughter? And no one wonders where she is?) Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile is being serviced by another hot oiled up piece while he awaits a visit from his American business colleague Dr. Kaiser (a wonderful pisstake of Henry Kissinger) and his offsider Commander Adam Scott. It seems the Sheik is sitting on top of a lot of oil and is holding out on the Yankees which of course pisses them off no end. Scott is an American intelligence officer who is supposedly undercover but both Groove Thang and Ilsa know that before he even gets there, so much for intelligence. Before Kaiser and Scott arrive though the Sheik decides to throw a big party and auction off his old slave girls, just so the evil Americans don’t notice them. Later on he offers Kaiser any girl he wants anyway which kind of defeats the purpose of appearing squeaky clean but hey, who can understand the ways of the modern business man? The girls are force fed, subject to some crude 70s plastic surgery (silicon in the butt cheeks anyone?) and then sold to the most American sounding and looking swarthy, evil Arabs you’ve seen in a long time, one poor gal even having her teeth knocked out with a chisel! (off screen of course) Scott has a gal on the inside, a belly dancer with a bugging device in her bellybutton. Poor gal though is discovered and tortured and has her eyeball served up to Dr. Kaiser (he thinks he’s eating a sheep’s eye). 

Scott meanwhile is cool, calm, detached (or just a piss poor actor – I’m leaning towards the latter) who gives Ilsa what she really needs – some good old American dick! Yep, that’s all it takes and she’s totally infatuated with him after that. Of course, Sheik Your Groove Thang soon works out what is going on and has the American chained up with a weird cage over his head containing a tarantula waiting to eat him (I couldn’t make this up) and then has Ilsa tied up to be ravaged by a leper! Of course, what else could he do? 

It all backfires though, Ilsa’s love for the American boner has her arm the harem and take on Groove Thang. Yep, oiled up, topless babes with guns and knives on a killing spree! Chuck Norris never made a film this good!! Unfortunately there are always casualties in war and Satin and Velvet miss out on having their own TV series. Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile goes out with a bang (and I mean that literally – we’re talking booby trapped diaphragm), his nephew, the boy who has been kept in the dungeons and is the real heir to the throne, takes charge, America the Brave strolls into the sunset… and Ilsa… well let’s just say the prince is a chip off the old block. 

Not nearly as vicious or dirty as the first in the series (hell, Thorne keeps her clothes on until well into the movie) or as bizarre as Jess Franco’s unofficial entry ‘Ilsa, Wicked Warden’ this is still a b-grade extravaganza with enough torture, tits and outright stupidity to keep you entertained all the way through. Hell, Richard Kennedy as Dr. Kaiser is almost worth your money alone let alone the double team of Tanya Boyd (Satin) and Marilyn Joy (Velvet). Cheezy by name, Cheezy by nature – you really can’t go wrong. 

Sheik it all about

saturday night fever and a bad hangover

Disco Exorcist

Directed By: Richard Griffin

Year: 2010

 Bad moves, bad wigs, bad acting, deliberately aged film stock, naked sheilas and more polyster suits than any man needs to see, this is the world of the Disco Exorcist!  

More precisely, this is the world of Rex Romanski, a smooth talking, smooth dancing, smooth romancing disco king who beds the wrong babe and now must pay the price. Rex thinks he’s found the right girl when he meets Rita Marie and after a night of dancing, both vertical and horizontal, it seems the romance is blossoming. That is until into the club comes Disco Porn starlet Amoreena Jones, (I kid you not, disco porn! What more could you want?) and Rex makes the fatal error of leaving Rita alone on the dance floor while he romances Amoreena. 

Rule number one on the dance floor, never upset a disco voodoo queen! Cue voodoo ceremonies, lots of humping and strange dream sequences before we head off to the porn studio where Rex finds himself drafted into the movie when head disco dick Jack Toughskins doesn’t arrive on time. (And by arrive I actually mean arrive, no double entendres there.) 

So Rex Romanski, king of the dance floor is now a porn star – tough life hey. Things turn ugly though when the porn babes, possessed by demons, go nuts and start dicing up the crew. Luckily for Rex, Amoreena snaps out of her trance in time to save his nuts.  Soon enough though Rex works out what is going on and when it turns out the Brazilian cleaner Angel is an excommunicated priest (“I like-a the small children”) Rex, his DJ buddy Manuel and Angel decide to perform an exorcism in the disco basement. This doesn’t happen though until after a great orgy sequence with an Anton La Vey lookalike running proceedings, Jack Toughskins getting his rubber wang torn off and a bunch of risen from the dead women crashing the party.  You see, Rita Marie is a bit of a womens libber too, calling up the scorned, raped, beaten and victimized from their graves to get revenge on the male of the species. That’s when Rex realises just how much trouble he is in and grabs the demonic Amoreena, taking her back to the disco to be exorcised. Of course, nothing goes to plan but with a possessed disco ball, an exorcism performed from a pamphlet and even a tubular bells ripoff riff to finish proceedings, you know this baby is a labour of love. 

With deliberately aged film stock, plenty of bad 70s clothing, lots of blood and guts, plenty of naked flesh, snappy lines, a couple of scenes deliberately cut out and replaced with “shot missing” tags, this film is a homage to the great days of b-grade vhs trading, where you never quite knew what you were getting but you were always surprised. Deliberately cheesy, Disco Exorcist takes Saturday Night Fever and destroys the myth of hot chicks and smooth movers with a smirk, a bucket of blood and a shitload of coke. Blood, guts, babes, demons, drugs, tits and polyester – Disco Exorcist has it all. For anyone who had to suffer the indignities of the disco era, this is your revenge!

john travolta was never this good

forget the walking dead - here's Jesus!

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The Lounge is rockin' today

The Hedgehogs – Our Minds Dyed Yesterday

(Levitation Records /thehedgehogs.bandcamp.com)

Straight outta Aalborg, Denmark  The Hedgehogs offer up an LP of classy psych-pop late 60s styled garage that if you didn’t know better you would almost think was the real thing.   

No fancy updating, no jarring “modern” stylings, just a set of pure, brash and sweet pop music whose origins are only really obvious because of the clean quality of the digital recording/download.  On a beat up record player you would be double checking to make sure you hadn’t stumbled upon an unknown Ugly Things moment.   

It’s hard to pick a highlight since there really isn’t a bad song on this disc and from opener Stumblin’ Around with its sweet guitar pickin’ and cool vocals through to the Bo Diddley lite riff that holds down Servant Chant the boys don’t make a false move.  The Witch (all 1.49 of it) is the song you want to hear in any 60s b-grade juvenile delinquent movie as the kids rumble at the club, then there’s the gritty country twang of Dirty And Vile, the cool harp blowin’ on Elevator, the great jangle of guitar on songs like Peace In My Mind… 

hell it’s all good.  I hear Flamin’ Groovies, Sunnyboys, Lime Spiders, Troggs, every great Nugget moment, Byrds… but none of them overtly taking over, no one band you can say is the main influence, just moments of clarity, riffs that sound so familiar and yet aren’t.  A great job, not a revisionist album, not a revival album, just a band having a mighty fine time in their garage.  You will too. 

there's somethin' rockin in denmark