Ilsa – Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks
Directed By: Don Edmonds 1976
From Cheezy Flicks comes the second of the Ilsa movies where we find the pneumatic blonde Dyanne Thorne’s sadistic character somehow working as a Harem keeper for an Arab Sheik! Yes, stories of her death in Ilsa She Wolf of The SS were greatly exaggerated it seems and yes, she has aged remarkably well considering this seems to be set in the 70s of oil shortages and greed but who are we to question such things. Hell just be happy, after all we get lots of naked sheilas, a little bit of torture, some cheap jokes atAmerica ’s
expense (well Henry Kissinger specifically) and the sight of swarthy Arab stereotypes
who all have American accents wanting to defile women. Oh yeah and we get
Ilsa’s hot bodyguards Satin and Velvet who in one memorable scene perform
topless, oiled up kungfuey on an Arab Ron Jeremy before ripping his nuts out
with their bare hands!!
From Cheezy Flicks comes the second of the Ilsa movies where we find the pneumatic blonde Dyanne Thorne’s sadistic character somehow working as a Harem keeper for an Arab Sheik! Yes, stories of her death in Ilsa She Wolf of The SS were greatly exaggerated it seems and yes, she has aged remarkably well considering this seems to be set in the 70s of oil shortages and greed but who are we to question such things. Hell just be happy, after all we get lots of naked sheilas, a little bit of torture, some cheap jokes at
I don’t remember seeing that sort of thing on the Discovery Channel.
The film starts with three plush lined packing crates delivered to the Sheik’s
harem containing a millionare’s daughter, a movie actress (Uschi “SuperVixens”
Digard) and a famous equestrian! Of course no one is going to miss them are
they? (and strangely enough they don’t… I mean a millionare’s daughter? And no
one wonders where she is?) Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile is being serviced
by another hot oiled up piece while he awaits a visit from his American
business colleague Dr. Kaiser (a wonderful pisstake of Henry Kissinger) and his
offsider Commander Adam Scott. It seems the Sheik is sitting on top of a lot of
oil and is holding out on the Yankees which of course pisses them off no end.
Scott is an American intelligence officer who is supposedly undercover but both
Groove Thang and Ilsa know that before he even gets there, so much for
intelligence. Before Kaiser and Scott arrive though the Sheik decides to throw
a big party and auction off his old slave girls, just so the evil Americans
don’t notice them. Later on he offers Kaiser any girl he wants anyway which
kind of defeats the purpose of appearing squeaky clean but hey, who can
understand the ways of the modern business man? The girls are force fed,
subject to some crude 70s plastic surgery (silicon in the butt cheeks anyone?)
and then sold to the most American sounding and looking swarthy, evil Arabs
you’ve seen in a long time, one poor gal even having her teeth knocked out with
a chisel! (off screen of course) Scott has a gal on the inside, a
belly dancer with a bugging device in her bellybutton. Poor gal though is
discovered and tortured and has her eyeball served up to Dr. Kaiser (he thinks
he’s eating a sheep’s eye).
Scott meanwhile is cool, calm, detached (or just a
piss poor actor – I’m leaning towards the latter) who gives Ilsa what she
really needs – some good old American dick! Yep, that’s all it takes and she’s
totally infatuated with him after that. Of course, Sheik Your Groove Thang soon
works out what is going on and has the American chained up with a weird cage
over his head containing a tarantula waiting to eat him (I couldn’t make this
up) and then has Ilsa tied up to be ravaged by a leper! Of course, what else
could he do?
It all backfires though, Ilsa’s love for the American boner has
her arm the harem and take on Groove Thang. Yep, oiled up, topless babes with
guns and knives on a killing spree! Chuck Norris never made a film this good!!
Unfortunately there are always casualties in war and Satin and Velvet miss out
on having their own TV series. Sheik Your Groove Thang meanwhile goes out with
a bang (and I mean that literally – we’re talking booby trapped diaphragm), his
nephew, the boy who has been kept in the dungeons and is the real heir to the
throne, takes charge, America the Brave strolls into the sunset… and Ilsa… well
let’s just say the prince is a chip off the old block.
Not nearly as vicious or
dirty as the first in the series (hell, Thorne keeps her clothes on until well
into the movie) or as bizarre as Jess Franco’s unofficial entry ‘Ilsa, Wicked
Warden’ this is still a b-grade extravaganza with enough torture, tits and
outright stupidity to keep you entertained all the way through. Hell, Richard Kennedy
as Dr. Kaiser is almost worth your money alone let alone the double team of
Tanya Boyd (Satin) and Marilyn Joy (Velvet). Cheezy by name, Cheezy by nature –
you really can’t go wrong.
