Monday, January 5, 2009

D: Mark Colegrove 2008

Supposedly directed by Antonello Giallo in the 80s and lost to the public, this twisted spoof on those classick 80s cannibal/jungle bungle/eyetalian horrors that haunted nerdy collectors lists is badly dubbed, poorly acted and complete with grainy lines running down the screen and washed out 80s colour. Hell if it wasn’t for the obviously fake wigs and facial hair you’d almost think you had stumbled across a lost spaghetti cannibal flick long consigned to the bottom shelf at yr video emporium. That’s how good it is!
Our hero Jack Steele complete with Chopper Read moustache, mirror shades and a glorious head of 80s hair has been hired by treasure hunter Harold Thompson to help find the lost treasure of Marco Polo in the jungles of South America. (where, after all, life is cheap!) Steele’s poor troubled foster son Billy has come along for the adventure. And boy does he get himself into some sticky situations. Seems Billy has victim written all over his forehead, cos Thompson just can’t keep his hands of Billy’s butt! With a ship’s crew that consists of Captain Feather sword, Phil Lynott and Dave Navarro our heroes head off to find the treasure. Of course, it has to be on an island that is populated by wild animals and cannibals namely the Yamma Yamma tribe, a hairy bunch of metal heads not unlike the guys from Immortal who we first encounter castrating and de-sacking some poor soul while his daughter looks on in horror. It’s all down hill from there with gut wrenching, cheesy, bloody, vivid red gore – limb lopping, fetus munching, piranha chomping fun, not to mention the bloke on a stick! Yep this baby has it all.
After rescuing the catatonic daughter, Steele and Billy bump into Alexis Kincaid and his mute sidekick Cain, a former Yakuza assassin (even if he is a tattooed white boy). Kincaid, an anthropologist, lives on the island with a couple of native slaves and Cain in a nice little mansion on the hill where he offers Steele and company a place to rest. Thompson meanwhile has been captured by the Yammas and is caged up ready for a horrifying ritual – A nu-folk music festival!! Actually no that was just the warm up, Thompson is considered such a coward that he ain’t worth eating so after the music fest he gets sodomised by the tribe!! Oops, must have been a black metal festival. Kincaid and Steele rescue the bum bleeder though and take him back to the mansion to recuperate. Thompson hasn’t given up on the treasure hunt though despite his bleeding butt. Meanwhile Cain and Catatonic gal have something going on and it seems love has come to the island. Of course, it’s all downhill from here with blood, guts, sodomy with a knife (!) and some fitting Day Of The Dead type deaths.
This is a well crafted tribute to those dumb ass days of 80s grue, hell if it wasn’t for the obviously fake wigs you wouldn’t know this wasn’t legit – it is that tacky, sleazy, badly acted and dumb. These boys know their movies and obviously have a love for them. What with the mysterious anthropologist, the native rituals, token wild animal footage, the greedy treasure hunter, catatonic gal, the mother fucker of a hero, grotty natives, sodomy, gut chomping gore and monkey chops with iguana semen gravy you know these guys have watched every great (and not so great) cannibal flick there ever was, probably shitty 3rd or 4th generation dubs that they traded with some other nerdboy half way across the world. One of the funniest, sleaziest, bloodiest and dumbest movies I’ve seen in a while. I can’t give it any higher recommendation!

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