With face rippin', heart chewin' sons of bitches out there, surely the apocalypse is comin!!

BIGFOOT IS OUT THERE!

Bigfoot Directed by: Robert F. Slatzer Year: 1970 Country: USA Studio: Cheezy Flicks

From Cheezy Flicks, home to the best of the worst comes another classic slice of American exploitation and know how, with a bombshell blonde, a ham actor and a man in a cheap furry suit! Bigfoot warms up with a travelling saleman, Jasper B. Hawks (John Carradine hamming at his best), his offside Elmer Briggs (John Mitchum) who discovers some big footprints out in the woods, a gang of hepcat bike riders on a weekend bender and a pneumatic blonde pilot (Joi Lansing) who parachutes into the woods only to be captured by something hairy, all this before the opening credits even roll! When a couple of the biker types then go necking in the woods they stumble upon a bigfoot burial ground and the gal is grabbed by another hairy thing. When ol’ Jasper hears about the kidnapping he sees dollar signs and offers to help the boy get his girl back from the monsterous beast. Well, the bloke in the furry suit with the rubber mask and the bloodshot eyes. The girls it turns out are tied up to posts and guarded by a family of bigfoot or is that bigfeet? (including a baby bigfoot! ) Meanwhile after the pneumatic and gravity defying Joi tells the biker girl her theory, that the bigfoot tribe is running low and they want girls to mate with, we get lots of footage of Jasper and Co. walking through the woods, the hep biker buddies riding through the woods, trees, the bigfeet watching Jasper and Co. walking through the woods before finally the bigfeet attack Jasper and his buddies and tie them up too. Help is at hand though, the hepcat bikers have discovered the burial ground too (and the rubber mask in the dirt that strikes horror into everyone’s heart!) and are hot on the trail. You have to wonder though how the city slickers keep finding this burial ground but no local has ever stumbled upon it?! After flirting with the gal at the general store the sheriff is off hunting or sleeping or something, the ranger station (one of a string of static sets on a soundstage including sherrif’s office, general store and injun hut!) ain’t got nothing to report even though the bigfoot is at the window and we are stuck with stock footage of owls and coyotes! Never fear though, the biker dudes have hooked up with a one armed injun named Hardrock who wants revenge on that nine foot sasquatch that pulled his arm off and so now we have them trekking and riding and a looking for the hairy bloke in the suit. Meanwhile blondie Joi has been taken away to be sacrificed ala Ursula Andress in Slave Of The Cannibal God, (well she’s blond and buxom and tied up the same way) to the big kahuna himself, the real BIG bigfoot who we are told is nine foot tall but really is just a bloke in a hairy gorilla suit. A grizzly bear shows up though to spoil the honeymoon so while bigfoot and grizzly (or two guys in hairy suits) wrestle, Joi makes a getaway. Cue footage of blonde running endlessly, still defying gravity and nipple tape, with bigfoot striding behind! The bikers meanwhile find the others and save ‘em before heading up the mountain to find blondie and the big bigfoot. Blondie has been caught again and then escapes again, running away again this time to be saved by our erstwhile heroes. Some paper mache rocks fall, the crazy biker dude (there’s always one crazy dude in the gang) throws dynamite, big bigfoot dies in the cave, Jasper hustles blondie (whose hair by the way has stayed immaculate despite jumping from a plane, being kidnapped by a bigfoot, being ravaged by a bigfoot, being chased by a bigfoot and being in a bomb blast!) and that’s that. Or is it? Well, yeah I think it is actually. But then I guess ol’ Robert F. Slatzer is trying to tell us that maybe they’re still out there… after all the other bigfeet didn’t die in the blast and the baby is still out there in the wilderness, waiting to “breed with anything.” This is a shocker, slow, dumb, badly filmed, washed out and washed up but you know what? I loved it!!

It’s cornball, it’s stupid, the bigfoot ain’t anywhere near nine feet tall no matter how many times they tell us it is, the difference between soundstage and outdoors is so obvious you laugh, the lines are corny, the acting for the most is bad, except of course for Carradine and Mitchum who bring a touch of class to proceedings, Joi Lansing was in her forties by then but still looked pretty damn good for a low budget bombshell and hell, the movie is called Bigfoot, you ain’t gonna get Shakespeare are you? For fans of “those” movies, this is a new favourite. A perfect companion to Queen Kong in fact… now that’s a double act I’m sure a hustler like Jasper B. Hawks could appreciate. Special Features: A string of trailers for other fine Cheezy fare including Invasion Of The Blood Farmers, Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Face Of The Screaming Werewolf plus the intermission ads from the good old days of the drive-in that always bring a nostalgic tear to my eye.

UFO – The Best Of A Decade (SPV)

They might look fucking old but considering this band started in 1969 and you’ve got three, yes three of the original members still rolling it’s no wonder they look a little, shall we say, weathered. Surprisingly though, this compilation of studio and live tracks shows that the old bastards can still get it up!

With Phil Mogg still sounding great on vocals and Pete ‘wayward’ Way (Bass) and Andy Parker (Drums) still holding down the beat, guitarist Vinnie Moore steps up as the ‘new’ boy filling a role best remembered as belonging to Michael Schenker and doing a pretty good job of it too. In the late 70s when UFO released arguably one of the best live rock albums out there Strangers In The Night I was a serious fanatic but by the mid 80s the various line up shuffles had dimmed my love for the band so I really wasn’t expecting too much with this album. So it was a mighty fine surprise when opening track The Wild One still sounded like the band I remember, Mogg’s distinctive voice could belong to no one else, the sound unmistakably UFO, rollicking bluesy metal with a chorus that slips right into your psyche. This is followed by the equally fine Hard Being Me before the live version of Lights Out slows down the mood. I have to say it lacked the fierceness of earlier times but then so do I so what do I really expect? Still, I don’t see the need for yet another version of this song or Let It Roll or Shoot Shoot or Too Hot To Handle – we have those songs nailed damn near perfectly a coupla decades back why rehash? I can understand why they still play them live sure but I don’t think they need to be on this compilation, especially when the band serves up songs like Saving Me, The Wild One, Helldriver, Black And Blue (with its Who like riff ripped off to start the song) and Mr. Freeze. They still have some mighty fine moves going on, they can still write songs with more hooks than an emo kid has piercings and the live tracks really don’t add anything to the legacy or the future. I would have preferred to hear more of the newer songs, more of what they have to offer now than what they had to offer thirty years ago. But I’m nitpicking, it’s rare that a band of this vintage can still live up to its past, to its baggage. I won’t say they have because it would be damn near impossible to top Light’s Out or No Heavy Pettin’ but they haven’t disgraced themselves either and I’d put any of these songs up against their 80s material. This sits nicely alongside the better moments of No Place To Run or Making Contact or anything from the wilderness years. There’s plenty of life left in these old dogs that’s for sure, even though Pete Way’s liver apparently isn’t what it used to be. Let’s hope he and they can keep on rolling a few more years.

Monster Movie Time!

Homemade Monster
Directed by: Brandon & Leia Gadow
Year: 2008
Country: USA
Studio: Scumbag Movies
Running Time: 49 Mins

Made in 3 days for 400 bucks, Homemade Monster really is the Rockabilly Horror Picture Show! Except Leia Gadow looks a lot better in lingerie than Tim Curry and with half the make up. Remember when Tim sings, “I’m building a man, with blonde hair and a tan…” as he introduces us to his creation Rocky - well, that’s pretty much the same premise here in this Frankenstein meets The Cramps musical featurette. Domestic disharmony between our lead couple (also directors, producers, caterers, etc etc) Brandon and Leia results in Leia drugging her bullying boyfriend and then deciding she’ll make her perfect man with his body and a few other parts thrown in. Those parts coming from the nerdy mama’s boy with a good heart, the professor with the over stimulated brain and the cowboy pool hustler with the big dick. Put ‘em all together and whadda ya got? A sort of mismatched Rocky but with his sword of damacles right ‘tween his legs! And much like Rocky Horror the story is pulled together in song – grinding psychobilly provided by The Jim Rowdy Show that reeks of horror, bourbon and shitty back room crank. As Leia goes about her business we are treated to the best nurse’s outfit you’ve seen in a long time, her Wendy O Williams impersonation (only much hotter) and a striptease that would raise a dead donger! Oh wait, it did! The movie does waiver near the end though while Leia struggles to reanimate her new lover. But this actually works in the film’s favour as I found myself willing her on to succeed – not because I was over it all but simply because I’d been drawn in to her frustrations. Whether this was intentional or not is another thing altogether but it worked. A rather abrupt finale though but I guess where else could it go.

This sorta stuff ain’t for everyone but if you are as tired as I am of remakes and CGI big budget bullshit you might just dig this stuff as much as I do. Ain’t nothing wrong with being a little different – generic is for folks with no taste! Scumbag Movies have a bunch o’ flicks available on their website – download and hardcopy and a real DIY/punk/guerilla ethos that leaps out at you. Funny, messy, lewd and chock full o’ attitude… the way trash films should be.

www.scumbagmovies.com

BAD MOVIES RULE!

Scream Dream
Directed by: Donald Farmer
Year: 1988
Country: America
Studio: SRS Cinema
Running Time: 69 Mins

For many, many years one movie has always stuck in my mind as the worst movie I have ever seen – Curse Of The Screaming Dead (aka Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates) but I have to tell you Scream Dream has come pretty damn close to knocking it off its pedestal. In fact the only thing saving this film from that no. 1 position is former Playboy playmate Melissa Moore… or at least the fact she took her top off more than once. If it wasn’t for that top shelf action, this movie would be on top of the pedestal looking down at those confederate cannibals!

Shot straight to video back in 1988 and now dubbed straight to dvd much like your mate might do you a bootleg copy on his vhs to dvd burner, the film’s saving grace is that it barely runs an hour. Starting off with a topless sheila tied to a bed while a chainsaw appears between her legs the movie then moves onto the heavy rock sounds of Rikk-o-shay and their lead singer, the demonic seductress Michelle Shocked (or Shock depending on whether you read the cover or IMDB!) Played by the make up and hair artist for the film Carol Carr, Michelle is one ugly broad but the fans don’t think so, in fact they are dying to meet her and some of them do. It seems Michelle is possessed by the devil or at least some sort of demon or something she ate maybe but she kills people and it is not good for business. In fact after the thirteenth victim disappears the band’s manager finally decides to sack Michelle and replace her with the gorgeous Jamie Summers (Melissa Moore).
But first the guitarist has to sack Michelle which gets a bit messy and results in Michelle’s unfortunate demise. As any good musician knows though, if you leave the body behind and just go back to work, things will turn out fine. Unless of course there is a rubber handpuppet demon crawling around the apartment. When Jamie needs to get some new stage outfits (of course you would take fashion advice from a guy who wears a turtle neck under his leather jacket!) she decides to go and raid Michelle’s wardrobe. Of course the body and the handpuppet demon are still there and of course Jamie is drawn to the body and has to taste Michelle’s blood. Now possessed by the demon she gets her kit off (FINALLY!) and shags the guitarist with the bad dress sense.

From here on in it’s a bloody mess of revenge and chaos as Jamie turns into a pretty decent b-grade Demon (so that’s where the budget went) and chows down on the manager, a coupla fans, some other nondescript folk… to be honest I sort of lost track of who was who – they were all pretty dull. The sight of a topless babe with a rubber claw is not something you see everyday but whether it’s worth the pain of the previous hour is another thing altogether. And then they pull the whole dream sequence routine on us and we don’t know whether any of it was real or whether we’ve just witnessed the film clip for a bad Alice Cooper concept album.

With a terrible soundtrack (I think we hear the theme song at least three times and no it isn’t metal, hell it’s barely music), moments where the actors are obviously on different sets trying to pretend they are interacting, a second or third generation vhs dub, laughable ‘acting’ and the ugliest lead actress (okay, semi lead actress) I’ve seen since Curse Of The Screaming Dead I can’t recommend this to serious movie fans. Hell I’m not sure I can recommend it to trash movie fans. All I can say is, thank god (or the devil) for Melissa Moore who went onto such classics as Caged Fury, Sorority House Massacre II, Hard To Die, The Invisible Maniac and Vice Academy 2. Will I ever watch this again? Probably, but only when I want people to leave after the party has well and truly finished. It’s that kind of movie.

Special Features: Trailers from such class SRS flicks as Horror at Blood Fart Lake (actually a very funny musical clip), Ski Wolf, I spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On your Grave and Inbred Redneck Vampire. And others but my will had been broken by then. Dumb thing is, I’ll probably watch them if I ever come across them. I can’t help it, I love bad movies… at least once anyway.

Apocalypse Then

BOOBY TRAP aka Wired to Kill

D: Franky Schaeffer 1986

It’s 1998 and LA has been struck down with a killer virus called T.A.P.E.X. that has wiped out one hundred and twenty million people and left the place looking pretty damn bleak. Gangs roam the streets, property values suck and our heroine Rebecca (Emily Longstreth) has just been kicked out of home cos dad’s got himself a new gal and she don’t like the daughter cramping her style.

So Rebecca goes and stays with old friend Steve (Devin Huelscher) who has a nice clean singlet, a house in the hood and a ma and granny which contrasts nicely with the sleazy, greasy gang living in an industrial zone having bedtime stories read to them by their brainiac leader Reegus (Merrit Butrick) who should be played by Wings Hauser but isn’t. Steve is a bit of a brainiac too, in fact he’s that most dreaded of brainiacs - a bedroom musician!!! Only he’s in the shed with his keyboards, junk and dinky electronic music - oh and a robot named Winston. I guess in 1986 the idea of making yr own music from the bedroom was cutting edge but christ on a crutch the music he plays for us sure ain’t. Not unless wanting to cut yr wrists after hearing it counts. In fact the music is very, very 80’s as is the girl as is the boy. Actually if Franky had set the story in 2010 he would have been just about right!

Anyway back to the story, we are after all professionals. The evil greasy gang break into Steve’s place, crack his ma across the skull and grab Rebecca to do rude things to her. Steve saves her but gets his legs broken for his bravery (by Tiny Lister Jr who was Zeus in the WWF!) Couldn’t they have broken his hands, christ, didn’t they hear the music? When ma and granny go to the cops all hell breaks loose. The cop shop itself is damn effective. Barricaded with sandbags and barbed wire, anonymous voices over the PA repeating messages about yr rights and the 1800 number to call about them – very claustrophobic and bleak as is the hospital that Steve goes to. The same public announcements in the same bland voices really adding to the idea of a faceless bureaucracy that doesn’t care what happens in the barrios or slums as long as the rich are protected. Granny gets whacked and killed in a scene that unfortunately sucks and ruins the previous buildup of atmosphere and grime. Budget constraints me thinks. Mum then gets carnapped by the gang, forced into the back of a truck, car and all and crushed. She’s tough though and broken back and all, crawls out of the wreckage. Steve, now confined to a wheelchair, and realizing that the cops can’t do shit, decides to fight back.

He sends Winston the robot out on recon with a camera attached to follow the gang back to their slum lair. Strangely enough none of the denizens of this hell hole notice the ‘little robot who could’ whizzing about. Some white suited ghetto pimp gangstas show up to sell drugs to brainiac and his gang but Winston grabs the money and sneaks off with it. Now armed with some bucks Steve and Rebecca load up their arsenal with guns, ammo, more computer junk and a bike seat that Steve rigs with a knife that’ll gut you from the nuts up! OWWW! Before this though, Rebecca disguised as a hooker sells some wicked blow to a gang member that makes Ice look like Milo. The foaming fake head however was very wisely only shown briefly. Obviously the money was spent on the robot not the special fx. (or the soundtrack)

Rebecca in fact has to do most of the actual leg work since Steve is confined to his chair and his ‘puter screen where he steers Winston (now armed with a pistol) thru his paces. Of course, she gets caught but luckily brainiac has his own plans for her so the gang don’t get to taste the merchandise. In fact brainiac wants to bring some culture to the shithole he calls home so he puts on Romeo & Juliet for the slum suckers and hobos that share his world. I think he’s just happy to have found someone else who can read! Rebecca, chained up and hanging from her arms is forced to read her part in a very painful scene. I admit I squirmed, I must be getting old. Winston comes to her rescue though sending the gang into a frenzy. While they’re all shooting at him, a Klaus Kinski look-a-like frees Rebecca. Why? Is it because he feels sorry for her? Is it because Winston can’t untie knots? No, it’s so he can hunt her….of course. Meanwhile Zeus blows poor old Winston to pieces… awwwww and Klaus takes Rebecca for a drive in the desert. I think he doesn’t want to share. Unfortunately before he can get anywhere with his date he gets his head fried with a pair of booby trapped headphones and a shitty walkman. I’m guessing it was Steve’s music that did it. It was about now that I started to realise that Rebecca was becoming stronger and stronger as the movie went along. The whiney 80s girl was gone and this new girl wanted revenge. They booby trap the gang truck/people mover and in a weird dream sequence/reality segue the gang gets blown to muthafucking pieces that makes me think Frankie was either getting arty or running out of money and time.

The worst is yet to come though when Steve and Rebecca start kissing!!! Noooooo!!!!!!! Luckily brainiac saves us from the disgusting stuff by bursting in on them. Come on you didn’t really think he was dead did you?

I have to say this movie is much better than I expected. The start is slow, the 80s so obvious but once it kicks in there’s something about this movie that I really enjoyed. It’s not yr usual future sci fi apocalyptic fare, the girl is really the hero, she does the hard work, the cripple has to sit in his shed and make things. It’s slower than yr big action flicks but it does occasionally build tension too. Winston is a gas and the faceless bureaucracy idea works especially in hindsight and the shitty grimy cheap feel of it all adds to the movie. This was Schaeffer’s first film which he wrote as well, he went on to make Headhunter and then dropped out to write books. For the materials he had on hand, and the actors (and I use that word loosely) he did a pretty good job. I was pleasantly surprised, you might be too.

So What Did We Learn?

For one thing, you can’t rely on bureaucracy in the future or the police, they’re just out to protect themselves. Bad bedroom music will live on forever and Shakespeare is still the culture of choice for all budding greasy thespians.

Five frosty beers out of six for this one but don’t you dare dance to the music!

redneck lounge open for business

That's right muthas! the lounge is back - thursday nite 13th May at The Squatters Arms Hotel, George Street Thebarton. Kicking off from 8pm with some spoken word from Adelaide's finest : Jenny T, Amelia Walker, Peter Puglsey, Tracey K. and live acoustic sets from: GG Alan Bindig and the TRIF Spinks Special! plus redneck lounging all night long!