two buck video review

UNHINGED

D: Don Gronquist 1982

Gronquist cowrote, produced and directed this early 80s slasher entry but maybe he should have let someone else have a say too. An attempt at a gothic/splatter/scary movie this doesn’t quite work as well as it should.

Problem number one, boredom. Three gals go off in a beat up old car heading to a rock concert. So we start with driving and more driving and more driving interspersed with mumbling, then it rains, more driving and then finally a crash. Only its the lamest crash you’ve seen since… since… well probably since John Boy Walton had his infamous fall from grace off the back of the hay cart. Really, they drove off the road at a very slow speed and went into a ditch, I mean come on – this is how we get them to the spooky old mansion?!

Oh yeah, the mansion. See, the girls wake up in an old house after a local handyman found them and their car in the ‘ravine’ they drove into. One gal Gloria is in pretty bad shape and upstairs somewhere, the other two Terry (the heroine) and Nancy are just shaken not stirred. So now the gals are stranded in an old house with a crazy old lady and her middle aged daughter Marion while they wait for the terrible storms to blow over and for Gloria to heal. Well, we assume Gloria is healing since we don’t see her for the next 45 minutes. (maybe Don couldn’t afford the extra actress) The old lady has a pathological hate of men, has had since her husband (and Marion’s daddy) was caught with an underage child back in the day. Unfortunately the old duck played by Virginia Settle, chews up the dialogue and spits it out in a bout of overacting not seen since the Golden Girls were at their peak. Christ, she’s not even a good over actor, just irritating. She keeps going on about Marion having men upstairs at night which as it turns out is a key plot point later on but its so fucking irritating that you ignore it and her.

Despite their accident the gals seem to have salvaged their hair supplies and the 80’s hairstyles (straight outta video clips) are truly beautiful. Nancy in particular does herself and the 80s proud. Now nothing much has happened yet, despite the shots of lightning, rain and the dark dark house. Of course we soon have the eerie keyboards and someone outside the window breathing heavily (that’d be the rain, get inside you fool before you catch a cold) Its trying to be neo gothic but its just dark and dull. There is someone inside though because they’re spying on the gals in the gratuitous shower scene (thank you Don) and breathing heavily a lot. So heavily that it wakes Terry up but no one else hears it?! Yeah right.

Nancy wants to get to the village because she’s run out of hair products or something so she sets off through the woods only to be tracked by shitty synth muzak and a killer with a scyth! Finally some action and not too badly done in a cheapy blood squib and cutaway style. No more hair worries for Nancy. Back at the house, Terry finally goes up to see her friend before we discover that someone is lurking. In fact the old face at the window routine made me jump! Yep, they’d lulled me into a complete state of boredom and I missed all the cues… turns out there’s a brother, a simpleton of course, who has to hide in the woods since his mad mother hates men and refuses to acknowledge his very existence. Oh and lots of gals have gone missing. Gloria gets hers in a bloody axe attack which strangely enough Terry doesn’t hear. She does however end up discovering a room full of body parts and her pals in slo mo. Finally things are beginning to happen, it took over an hour but the last ten minutes damn near make it worthwhile.

JE Penner as Marion pulls out a stunner finish that I admit I didn’t see coming! Either I’m getting old or I was just so dazed with the bad acting and slow storyline that I just wasn’t paying attention. Finally the old duck’s whinging about the men in the attic makes sense. I just wish the film had gotten us there quicker. Hard to say whether I recommend this or not. Those last few minutes are great in a slasher 80s B-grade fashion but the first hour of over acting, under acting, tedious dinners and 80s hair really test yr patience. Fast forward thru the dull bits, watch some of the overacting to get an idea of what’s happening, pause at the shower scenes and then watch the killings. That would be the best way to do it. And maybe stock up on the Stone’s too. you’ll need it.