Swamp Witch
Directed By: Kerry KnightYear: 2009
Written, directed, produced and starring
Kerry Knight, this is a movie destined, like the Titanic, to go down in
history!
This movie holds a special place in my heart. A place for the cheese, the bad, the outrageous and the dumb. Swamp Witch is something special, I mean really, really "special". It's fitting that Cheezy Flicks are distributing it, I mean who else would?
Our story starts with a couple watching the
film “Swamp Witch” whilst out camping in the woods, (as you do when you are
camping) – only to be attacked by the (digital) Swamp Witch!! This scene has
nothing at all to do with the movie but heck why let logic get in the way. It
introduces us to the Swamp Witch and throws in a couple of low budget kills so
what the hell it’s done its job! Now we
get to the real movie.
It’s 1910 Jamaica
and Shona is a rich whitey’s mistress who gets sprung and is cursed to live
forever as a witch at night but still gorgeous by day. (Much like my first
wife) A century later we find Shona working at a 4 table café in a little
southern town in Powaqa County in between stealing kids for food and fun. Luckily for her the local sheriff (played by
Mr. Knight himself) is a nonchalant laidback sort of chap who doesn’t let
things like rising body counts and missing kids affect that laidback manner at
all. Hell he finds a chewed up arm, even sees the witch but doesn’t break a
sweat. His deputy tells him the stories about the witch in the woods and kids
disappearing but he doesn’t get the hint, yet. Even the Halloween massacre – kids
disappearing, two decapitations (including a little digital head in a bowl
action!) doesn’t make him move any faster. And as it is one of the murders
never gets mentioned so I don’t even know if anyone even noticed? The mayor however is a little more agitated,
this sort of thing isn’t good for the town so she calls in her daughter (Poe)
who just happens to be a blonde CSI agent! (I think we all know where they got
the inspiration for this character from – Miami anyone?)
what do you mean I can't get out of the contract? |
the catering on this film leaves a lot to be desired |
At first I wasn’t sure what I was watching,
was it a TV movie that never made it to the small screen, was it a training
tape (Knight apparently runs a film school) or was it just plain bad? Well it
is bad, very, very bad but in a way that you just cannot believe!! And that’s what makes it so good. This film goes on far too long (105
mins!!??) but that is because Knight was trying to add back story and give his characters
life rather than just kill them off… he should probably have just killed them
off but then that’s what makes this movie so “special”. It lacks, tension,
logic, reason but it does have Poe (Lori Wilford) and Knight. It has bad
digital fx, made for TV acting, great (and bad) lines and an ending that just
makes you go “seriously?” Swamp Witch is in a class of its own. Like
Scream Dream, Robo-Monster, Curse Of The Screaming Dead and all those cheesy,
c-grade, no budget, I need a 6 pack at least to watch this, type of films,
Swamp Witch is destined to be a remembered, just probably not the way Kerry
Knight wanted it to be.