It's the Bronx Warriors versus Blade Runner!

Bronx Executioner

D: Vanio Amici 1989

What can I say?  This is quite possibly one of the worst films I’ve ever seen and consequently also one of the best!!!  Does that make any sense?  A b-grade extravaganza of bad dubbing, poor acting, inane lines and re-used footage this post-apocalyptic journey through the badlands of a New York that consists of quarries, beaches and a European castle (?!) is in a class all its own.  Our ‘story’ starts with new sheriff James (Gabriele Gori) being sent to the Bronx for his final test – we know this because a voice over explains it all to us during the stock footage opening.  After a strange sequence where a sniper is eyeing off James as he struggles through the jungles (?) of the Bronx only to be picked off at the last second, James meets the “black man” Warren played by b- grade luminary Woody Strode (Kingdom Of The Spiders, Django Rides Again, The Quick And The Dead) except the footage of Woody comes from a 1984 movie called The Final Executioner!! Why? Why not? Hell, it’s so disjointed a movie anyway, if I hadn’t looked it up I wouldn’t have known.  Anyway, Warren (Woody) is a mentor of sorts to James as he prepares to take on the android gangs – you see the Bronx has become a dumping ground for replicants and humanoids who have technical faults – they have feelings. These gangs have split into two though they all look human anyway so really I think it was a gang flick that was cashing in on The Bronx Warriors idea but then went replicant ala Blade Runner or something during the dubbing!  But the gangs are battling each other – one group (the androids) led by leather clad Margie (Margit Evelyn Newton – Night Of The Zombies and Final Executioner!), the other gang (the humanoids) led by man mountain Dakar (Alex Vitale).  This we learn from Warren as he teaches James before kicking some humanoid arse for no apparent reason other than because he can. (or because they had the footage left over from the previous film).  

The androids meanwhile have staged a massacre, killing off a stack of humanoids while Dakar was pfaffing about in their lab but one girl got away, the girl that Dakar has – gasp, shock, horror – feelings for.  See, he is almost human after all.  The girl gets raped by a bad android while Margie and her hot to trot boyfriend Shark watch on.  Now how an android can rape someone is neither here nor there, nor should we ask how he can rape without taking his or her pants off. The deed is done, the girl is dead and Dakar wants revenge.  It’s called plot development people, keep up with the programme. The man mountain goes to the black man only to find that he’s gone (or they ran out of suitable footage) after putting James through bootcamp and proclaiming him ready (in a letter no less!).  So, after dubbing James “white man” (hey I’m not making this up) the humanoid man mountain with the dress sense of a rejected village person and the sheriff with the charisma of a wet sock join up to take on Margie and her gang of post-apocalyptic Bronx Warrior rejects.  Margie and Shark meanwhile have been sitting securely in their European  castle (of course, it’s the Bronx after all!) watching footage of the rape scene and getting themselves hot and bothered. Again you may ask how androids can have these sorts of feelings but don’t – it won’t make it any easier to follow.  Shark does a little spying as Margie strips off and then interrupts for a little long awaited rumpy pumpy.  Unfortunately Dakar and the gang choose this moment to break into the castle and ruin everything.  Hilarity ensues as guard dogs are set loose, people run up and down the same stairs over and over, Margie’s breasts shrink!!!! (the curse of stock footage maybe?) and Shark gets his comeuppance. Oh and Dakar and James bond in a final touching moment.

Seriously this is a terrible movie. Stock film, repeated footage, bad acting, atrocious dubbing, long drives in the country, plot holes galore – the list goes on. BUT I can’t help but recommend it.  It is in a class of its own.  Fans of bad movies will worship at the altar of Dakar and Margie, it will provide hours of entertainment for drunken parties, it will make your friends and family question your very sanity and you may well find your name being whispered in certain ‘circles’ but it is all worth it.  Once in your life comes a movie that will change the way you see things – Bronx Executioner could well be that movie because after watching this, trust me, nothing will be the same! 

can a machine love a human being?