Monster Movie Time!

Homemade Monster
Directed by: Brandon & Leia Gadow
Year: 2008
Country: USA
Studio: Scumbag Movies
Running Time: 49 Mins

Made in 3 days for 400 bucks, Homemade Monster really is the Rockabilly Horror Picture Show! Except Leia Gadow looks a lot better in lingerie than Tim Curry and with half the make up. Remember when Tim sings, “I’m building a man, with blonde hair and a tan…” as he introduces us to his creation Rocky - well, that’s pretty much the same premise here in this Frankenstein meets The Cramps musical featurette. Domestic disharmony between our lead couple (also directors, producers, caterers, etc etc) Brandon and Leia results in Leia drugging her bullying boyfriend and then deciding she’ll make her perfect man with his body and a few other parts thrown in. Those parts coming from the nerdy mama’s boy with a good heart, the professor with the over stimulated brain and the cowboy pool hustler with the big dick. Put ‘em all together and whadda ya got? A sort of mismatched Rocky but with his sword of damacles right ‘tween his legs! And much like Rocky Horror the story is pulled together in song – grinding psychobilly provided by The Jim Rowdy Show that reeks of horror, bourbon and shitty back room crank. As Leia goes about her business we are treated to the best nurse’s outfit you’ve seen in a long time, her Wendy O Williams impersonation (only much hotter) and a striptease that would raise a dead donger! Oh wait, it did! The movie does waiver near the end though while Leia struggles to reanimate her new lover. But this actually works in the film’s favour as I found myself willing her on to succeed – not because I was over it all but simply because I’d been drawn in to her frustrations. Whether this was intentional or not is another thing altogether but it worked. A rather abrupt finale though but I guess where else could it go.

This sorta stuff ain’t for everyone but if you are as tired as I am of remakes and CGI big budget bullshit you might just dig this stuff as much as I do. Ain’t nothing wrong with being a little different – generic is for folks with no taste! Scumbag Movies have a bunch o’ flicks available on their website – download and hardcopy and a real DIY/punk/guerilla ethos that leaps out at you. Funny, messy, lewd and chock full o’ attitude… the way trash films should be.

www.scumbagmovies.com

BAD MOVIES RULE!

Scream Dream
Directed by: Donald Farmer
Year: 1988
Country: America
Studio: SRS Cinema
Running Time: 69 Mins

For many, many years one movie has always stuck in my mind as the worst movie I have ever seen – Curse Of The Screaming Dead (aka Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates) but I have to tell you Scream Dream has come pretty damn close to knocking it off its pedestal. In fact the only thing saving this film from that no. 1 position is former Playboy playmate Melissa Moore… or at least the fact she took her top off more than once. If it wasn’t for that top shelf action, this movie would be on top of the pedestal looking down at those confederate cannibals!

Shot straight to video back in 1988 and now dubbed straight to dvd much like your mate might do you a bootleg copy on his vhs to dvd burner, the film’s saving grace is that it barely runs an hour. Starting off with a topless sheila tied to a bed while a chainsaw appears between her legs the movie then moves onto the heavy rock sounds of Rikk-o-shay and their lead singer, the demonic seductress Michelle Shocked (or Shock depending on whether you read the cover or IMDB!) Played by the make up and hair artist for the film Carol Carr, Michelle is one ugly broad but the fans don’t think so, in fact they are dying to meet her and some of them do. It seems Michelle is possessed by the devil or at least some sort of demon or something she ate maybe but she kills people and it is not good for business. In fact after the thirteenth victim disappears the band’s manager finally decides to sack Michelle and replace her with the gorgeous Jamie Summers (Melissa Moore).
But first the guitarist has to sack Michelle which gets a bit messy and results in Michelle’s unfortunate demise. As any good musician knows though, if you leave the body behind and just go back to work, things will turn out fine. Unless of course there is a rubber handpuppet demon crawling around the apartment. When Jamie needs to get some new stage outfits (of course you would take fashion advice from a guy who wears a turtle neck under his leather jacket!) she decides to go and raid Michelle’s wardrobe. Of course the body and the handpuppet demon are still there and of course Jamie is drawn to the body and has to taste Michelle’s blood. Now possessed by the demon she gets her kit off (FINALLY!) and shags the guitarist with the bad dress sense.

From here on in it’s a bloody mess of revenge and chaos as Jamie turns into a pretty decent b-grade Demon (so that’s where the budget went) and chows down on the manager, a coupla fans, some other nondescript folk… to be honest I sort of lost track of who was who – they were all pretty dull. The sight of a topless babe with a rubber claw is not something you see everyday but whether it’s worth the pain of the previous hour is another thing altogether. And then they pull the whole dream sequence routine on us and we don’t know whether any of it was real or whether we’ve just witnessed the film clip for a bad Alice Cooper concept album.

With a terrible soundtrack (I think we hear the theme song at least three times and no it isn’t metal, hell it’s barely music), moments where the actors are obviously on different sets trying to pretend they are interacting, a second or third generation vhs dub, laughable ‘acting’ and the ugliest lead actress (okay, semi lead actress) I’ve seen since Curse Of The Screaming Dead I can’t recommend this to serious movie fans. Hell I’m not sure I can recommend it to trash movie fans. All I can say is, thank god (or the devil) for Melissa Moore who went onto such classics as Caged Fury, Sorority House Massacre II, Hard To Die, The Invisible Maniac and Vice Academy 2. Will I ever watch this again? Probably, but only when I want people to leave after the party has well and truly finished. It’s that kind of movie.

Special Features: Trailers from such class SRS flicks as Horror at Blood Fart Lake (actually a very funny musical clip), Ski Wolf, I spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On your Grave and Inbred Redneck Vampire. And others but my will had been broken by then. Dumb thing is, I’ll probably watch them if I ever come across them. I can’t help it, I love bad movies… at least once anyway.